TUESDAY: A bum meal.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman treated herself to lunch away from the office, although she found that her leftovers tasted the same in the parking lot.

MONDAY: Gunning some errands.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two armed assailants entered a bank, waited in line, had a nice chat with the teller while they got a print-out of their recent account activities, and then went and robbed the shit out of a liquor store.

SUNDAY: Bazaar relationships.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was excited about making some new friends at the flea market, until he got them home and realized that they were all dirty, broke and didn't go with anything in the house.

SATURDAY: Throwing a fitness.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young man argued to his mother that he did not need to exercise, because he was burning plenty of calories through a strict regiment of guilt and anxiety.

FRIDAY: Slinging that cane.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl brought some little bits of candy to school for the other kids, because once they got the first taste for free they were sure to shell out big for more.

THURSDAY: Where there's smoke, there's flavor.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was given a cup of diner coffee that was so bad he used it as an ashtray, which thankfully, improved the taste quite a bit.

WEDNESDAY: Matters of the heart.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a snack took an unfortunate turn when a few chips turned into a couple of cheeseburgers and a milkshake.

TUESDAY: Measuring their patience.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of guys at work took an extra long coffee break, or as their annoying receptionist referred to it, a "venti."

MONDAY: Nomad, but no thrilled.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boss told an offensive joke at work, and while everyone in the room laughed, they  could not help but wonder how he built up such an arsenal of "gypsy" material.

SUNDAY: For the love of the game.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman snuck down to the basement so she cold secretly watch football without having to tolerate her screaming husband rooting for one of the teams to win.

SATURDAY: Salad daze.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of old college buddies got together to reminisce about their glory days, which coincidentally, were also their drunk and experimental days.

FRIDAY: Public access.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went out and got his first library card, which finally gave him something to use to fight off the homeless people trying to take the computer from him.

THURSDAY: Chinese check hers.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a father got a little too adventurous with the take out order, which meant that once again he had to explain to his children, a whole bunch of racial things that Grandpa yelled.

WEDNESDAY: Color him red.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man did not want his coworker to know that he had the hots for her, but openly insulting her race in front of the executive board was probably overdoing it.

TUESDAY: Breaking news.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl fell down in front of everyone in the school hallway, but luckily she did not have to describe the experience to her parents, since they had already read about the incident on the principal's blog.

MONDAY: The son will come out, tomorrow.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy did his best to let his parents know that he was gay, but it was pretty hard on account of all of their Monday morning ignoring.

SUNDAY: A surprise witness.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a kid was pretty disappointed that the five minutes of church he actually listened to, made way more sense than what his grandmother screams at him from her porch.

SATURDAY: Stopping on a dime.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man saw a dime on the street and did not bend down to pick it up for fear that the other men with him would think he was cheap.

FRIDAY: What a wasted of time.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went to have a drink at Happy Hour, which he was disappointed to find was just as sad and lonely as the other hours, only it ran from 4 to 7.

THURSDAY: A horse of a different cutter.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two women silently competed against one another, wanting to see who picked the faster grocery store check-out line, while meanwhile, a woman in front of them in another line was thinking about how badly she was kicking both of their asses.

WEDNESDAY: A crummy affair.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man and a woman met at a seedy motel to have an affair, and enjoyed the eating in bed just as much as the awkward lovemaking.

TUESDAY: A pain in the wallet.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa an irritated man bought  a box of balm from the pharmacy, and when he figured out that he had accidentally been charged double, he became absolutely inflamed.

MONDAY: Dawn of the dread.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman started her week off right with an early morning trip to the gym, where she could sleep in peace in the locker room without her kids pestering her for breakfast.

SUNDAY: Fit to primp.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a guy picked up a copy of the New York Times at Starbucks, and he made sure that everyone in his wife's family who thought he was an idiot, got a good look at him holding it before he threw it away.

SATURDAY: A fool's ransom.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a dad won a few hundred bucks betting on NFL football, which was fortunate, because he had no other way of rustling up enough money to get his kid back.

FRIDAY: Unhappy ending.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man snuck into his favorite spot in the library to read, and unfortunately discovered that it was someone else's favorite spot to drink a bunch of malt liquor and throw up.

THURSDAY: A break-up in communication.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man could see the writing on the wall at work, which was not that difficult since his boss had written it next to his desk in bright red marker.

WEDNESDAY: Foul play.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl broke her foot when she tripped on the court, but she broke a few other people's feet when they still tried to come and get the basketball from her.

TUESDAY: A caucus on both your houses.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa thousands of excited voters headed out to show their fervent support for one of the GOP presidential candidates, while a few million stayed at home to show their utter disdain for all of them.

MONDAY: If at first you don't deceive, try, try again.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man got up very early in the morning to go sleep in his car in the Walmart parking lot, as part of his New Year's resolution to convince his wife he was going to the gym.

SUNDAY: Happy New Year.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a group of boys got together for their annual New Year's Day tackle football game, or as the police referred to it, underage drinking in a field.

SATURDAY: Should old acquaintance be forgot?

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man surveyed all of the options for his first kiss at midnight, but just like usual, his wife made the decision for him.