FRIDAY: Full record press.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man got a slew of prerecorded phone calls from presidential candidates, but luckily he had already prepared his prerecorded responses.

THURSDAY: Take it and leave it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a teenage girl left her purse at the mall, which was a bummer for her but good news for all the people who could go and get their wallets back.

WEDNESDAY: Getting in the game.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a few young boys were up to no good down in the basement, where they were attempting to set up a lab to cook high-grade methamphetamine, but no matter how long they worked, everything still jut looked like card tables and Play-Doh.

TUESDAY: Bad sax.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman called up her ex-boyfriend to see what he was up to, if he was still single, and most importantly, to find out if he was over his smooth jazz phase.

MONDAY: A holiday delivery.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man spent a while with his wife, playing with his new Christmas present, but he had to admit that by the afternoon he was pretty sick of that baby.

SUNDAY: Merry Christmas.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a brother and a sister got very competitive about how quickly they could open all of their presents, and learned a very valuable lesson about how easy it is to ruin Christmas.

SATURDAY: Ginning up.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a party host saw a neighbor pour half a drink back into the punch bowl after sipping from it, and frankly, she was looking forward to telling people about it.

FRIDAY: On the hot lap.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of kids went to the mall to ask Santa Claus a few questions, and knew the only way to get answers out of the fat bastard was to whip out the old nice kid/naughty kid routine.

THURSDAY: Finders keepers.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman found a mysterious container of food in the freezer, and decided that the only way to test it out was to give it to the mysterious kid she had found in her garage.

WEDNESDAY: Trapped in the kitchen.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man got roped into helping his family make cookies all day and did a pretty good job, although it was hard to get the icing on evenly because of all the rope.

TUESDAY: Happy Hanukkah.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of kids had to explain what a menorah was to their friends, who admitted they thought it was pretty greedy of those Jews to want enough oil to burn for eight days in the first place.

MONDAY: A frosty reception.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl dropped a lot of hints to her parents about what she wanted for Christmas, and her parents demanded that she go around and pick up everything she was dropping.

SUNDAY: Tech it back.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman bought a few CDs from a late-night TV infomercial, which really made her regret having sold her CD player so she could buy the television.

SATURDAY: On and ennui go.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the amount of chores to be done was pretty overwhelming, which posed a problem for the teenager who had to do them since she had been going pretty hard for an underwhelmed vibe.

FRIDAY: An unholy spirit.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a group of friends took a night off from drinking, but that didn't mean vodka was going to take a night off from getting into their bodies.

THURSDAY: Keeping it at a low simmer.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman made her husband a nice dinner, which came as a surprise to him, since most of her meals were raging bitches.

WEDNESDAY: Over the moon.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a cloud of vapors simply could not contain itself.

TUESDAY: Fighting the demons.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a teenage boy found some cigarettes and a bottle of bourbon in his closet and knew that the monster that lived there must be going through some hard times too.

MONDAY: Whether or not.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa, everyone expected a downpour of rain outside, but no one expected that a boy and his friends would stop at nothing to try to prevent it.

SUNDAY: Repast tense.

Today in Dubuque Iowa a family enjoyed a delicious dinner together in total silence, which was the only way to make sure that none of the kids said something inane to ruin the mood.

SATURDAY: Bloodsports.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the soccer moms got together with the football moms and agreed that next year there needed to be a lot fewer stabbings between the two groups.

FRIDAY: Earning at home.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl hung up some new posters in her room, but was livid when she found out that she would receive nothing for product placement.

THURSDAY: Doing the old routine.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a birthday clown discovered that his make-up was empty right before a charity event, and decided that even though his only alternative was to have kids see his face dripping with mayonnaise, that was better than their seeing his facial scars.

WEDNESDAY: Airing it out.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of kids broke their personal records for holding their breath, and prayed those bullies and those toilets would never give them a chance to set another one.

TUESDAY: Two strikes.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the dumbest kid in class said something really stupid, and just like that, he also become known as predictable.

MONDAY: A weekly recurrence.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young man shuffled into work with another case of the Mondays, which his cubicle-mate, again explained, was a herpes outbreak.

SUNDAY: Blister act.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a priest regaled the crowds after church by explaining how he had healed a man's woeful suffering, while the man was off explaining how he had received a Band-Aid and put it on his own foot.

SATURDAY: Caught up.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was happy to finally catch up with an old friend, because that bitch was only going to get so far with her money.

FRIDAY: Your daily bread.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy got his allowance and decided to immediately return it to his parents, as an act of thanks for their love and support, and to help cover up nicking fivers from his mom's purse every day before school.

THURSDAY: Change is gonna crumbs.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman bought her husband a DustBuster as a not-so-subtle hint that he needed to clean up after himself, and he returned it to the store two counties over as a time-intensive way to ignore her.