WEDNESDAY: Drain alcohol.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman finished off the last of her bathtub gin, which meant it was time to move on to her sink vodka or the couch tequila.

TUESDAY: Tough conditions.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young man could not find his shoes, which meant that even if he had a shirt, he still would not be able to get service.

MONDAY: A display of inspection.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman checked herself out in a store window as she passed on the street, and was horrified to discover that she looked like a headless mannequin.

SUNDAY: Growing stains.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young boy stole his dad's favorite t-shirt to wear in a touch football game, which made it pretty hard for his father to be sympathetic when he brought it back later covered in tears.

SATURDAY: Simmer gown now.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl was not so mad at her friend that she bailed on going to the dance with her, but she was mad enough to steal her clothes in the bathroom while she was changing and light them on fire on the dance floor.

FRIDAY: Left olders.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man's birthday was once again significantly overshadowed by day-old food and family drama.

THURSDAY: Happy Thanksgiving.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman got the turkey in the oven at exactly the right time, and dinner would have been even better if she had remembered turned it on.

WEDNESDAY: Just in the nip of time.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman loaded up on wine at the liquor store, freeing her to do other stuff on the way home, since she wouldn't need that time to get loaded while driving.

TUESDAY: Rocking gout.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man's doctor told him he needed to eat less meat in his diet, which luckily still left many hours in the day to eat meat outside of his regular diet.

MONDAY: Branding together.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a group of workers went on strike to protest their restaurant's new logo, which, for a group of letters, sure looked an awful lot like a group of restaurant employees fighting for bread crumbs while being whipped into submission.

SUNDAY: Live and let cry.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a small child threw a tantrum in the middle of the church basement and all of the adults thought this would be the perfect time for God to show a little compassion and shut him up.

SATURDAY: Order in the sport.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa some kids played a game that they made up, but the adults were furious that it didn't have any rules, so they ended it immediately.

FRIDAY: Tuning out.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple tried to find the right music to set the mood, but jazz made them feel confused, classical made them feel stuffy, R&B made them feel creepy, country made them feel depressed and classic rock made them feel old, so they finally settled on commercial jingles, felt great and called it a night.

THURSDAY: Academic networking.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young girl made a brand new friend during school, which made her think that she should spend all of her recesses in the library on Facebook.

WEDNESDAY: Room for an opinion.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a mother wanted her sons to move the furniture around while she rearranged things for the holiday season, but their desire not to was significantly stronger.

TUESDAY: Jumping over bore.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man ended  his team meeting after one of his employees made it abundantly clear that her entire presentation was on the importance of the staff camping out together for the new Twilight movie.

MONDAY: Gross exaggeration.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy wanted to impress some girls at school by showing them how tough he was, but by third period the cut he gave himself had not scarred over and his Ralph Lauren suit was ruined.

SUNDAY: A broken gnome.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy took out his anger on the family's lawn ornaments, but they had finally had it with him and moved to their sister's place in the garden once and for all.

SATURDAY: Turning the stables on him.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman wanted to play a trick on her horse by saying they were going for a long trip and then riding him to the fruit stand for apples, which worked out well with the horse's plan to not to pay attention to her at all and just go find apples.

FRIDAY: A steal of a deal.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went out to pick up a pizza, but over the course of the entire night, no one dropped one nearby.

THURSDAY: Never judge a brook by its clover.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of boys thought the creek was completely frozen because the grass they threw on it did not sink, but after telling a few of their friends to get their ice skates, they started to doubt if they had done as thorough an investigation as they could have.

WEDNESDAY: Decreasing the surplus circulation.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man cancelled all of his magazine subscriptions after realizing that he had seriously overestimated the number of subscriptions that one person needs to TV Guide.

TUESDAY: Baby love.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy met a girl, and while they both fell madly in love right away, they knew that the wedding would have to wait until they graduated from kindergarten.

MONDAY: Jacked rabbit.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman thought about going to save her garden from the various animals that were eating in it, but she did not feel like losing another bizarre fistfight.

SUNDAY: A total piece of craft.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy made a brand new end table for his parents, which they saw and immediately thought was the perfect thing to throw out and never mention again.

SATURDAY: A matter of taste.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man invented another amazing sandwich that his family loved, but none of the local restaurants thought it was worth the quarter-million dollars he was demanding for the recipe.

FRIDAY: No more mister vice guy.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man took control of his life by giving up the drugs, throwing away the booze and completely burning all of the 18th century British literature.

THURSDAY: Not playing nice.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl gave a play gun to her teddy bear and a play gun to her American Girl Doll, because she was tired of stepping in and mediating.

WEDNESDAY: Game of throws.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa everyone in the office got really into a game of dodgeball in the conference room, which infuriated the boss, who was still crammed into the boiler room from the old game of Hide and Seek.

TUESDAY: Dual exhaust.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man and his arch-nemesis had to give it a rest, because messing with another employee in the Home Depot where you work can actually get you in a ton of trouble.