MONDAY: Happy Halloween.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a little girl demanded that she be allowed to wear her princess outfit to school, which her parents did not think was a great idea considering she had already demanded that she wear it in the shower.

SUNDAY: Post or boy.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a kid stood outside in the field all day looking for birds migrating south, and little did he knew that all of the birds were looking for something to aim at while they shit in the sky.

SATURDAY: In morning.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man enjoyed the newspaper, a coffee and some company, but he did not enjoy the news, the heartburn or the apologies.

FRIDAY: Passing time.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman sat down with all of her old friends for a cup of tea, because all of her young friends were busy doing more interesting stuff.

THURSDAY: James and the giant breach.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy did not know what was worse, the fact that someone had eaten his lunch, or the fact that he didn't know which of his parents had done it.

WEDNESDAY: Getting in gear.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl put on make-up in the car, which wouldn't have distracted her from driving if the dog she was putting it on wasn't such a fidgety bitch.

TUESDAY: Chums what may.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went out drinking with his friends, which made his buddies jealous and pals absolutely furious.

MONDAY: Making the roast of it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy experimented with making dinner for the first time since the rest of the family was not home yet, which involved putting everything he could find in a hot oven, figuring that all of that heat would get those cans to open up eventually.

SUNDAY: Choice cuts.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two parents told their children that they wanted them to have the freedom to do anything they wanted in life, and yet it would be way more affordable if they stopped playing sports or needing books.

SATURDAY: Gray matters.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was going to head out to the neighborhood gathering, but when the clouds rolled in she became afraid that she would not seem as likeable without proper lighting.

FRIDAY: Innuendoing it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy made out with his girlfriend in her basement, which all of his friends assumed meant that he was kissing her ass.

THURSDAY: A vicious cycle.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman had to clean up some blood off the carpet from when the cats had scratched her, which made her late for work, forcing her to put in extra hours, which meant she would not be home to feed the cats on time, which was definitely going to make them angry.

WEDNESDAY: Brain powder.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman got another really bad headache and wondered if it was from the crushing stress of her overbearing family, the intense pressure of her executive position or her complete inability to go five minutes without putting cocaine in her face.

TUESDAY: A class act.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the kids wanted to believe that their teacher was competent, but it was pretty difficult to keep track of the lessons in between all of the cigarette breaks, crying fits and drunk texting.

MONDAY: Worst thing's first.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man's boss started out the day by telling him he was fired, which really took the sting off of telling him later that he was not getting the raise he asked for.

SUNDAY: Today's special.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a waiter got tired of suggesting his favorite dishes to people, and instead just started suggesting that everyone be more decisive in their own lives.

SATURDAY: Winner date.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman would have liked to hear more about the man she was on her date with, but there wasn't any time given all the talking she was dying to do about herself.

FRIDAY: Randy apples.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy was embarrassed when he accidentally groped his friend's mom while making Halloween treats, and he wasn't quite sure he was ready to explain that he was actually trying to grope his friend's dad.

THURSDAY: Set it and forget it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young boy put his clothes right in the dryer when he got home, although he was not sure how long to run it for because there was no setting for "horse blood."

WEDNESDAY: Raising plain.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman noticed that her daughter was pretty boring to talk to, but she felt personally responsible about the fact that she was pretty boring to look at.

TUESDAY: Change hearse.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was embarrassed when an entire funeral procession stopped for him, but he was pretty stoked that he got his quarter off the road where he had dropped it.

MONDAY: Pay date

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a little boy got together with his friend to play video games, browse the Internet and eat snacks, which was the perfect cover for beating the crap out of him and collecting on his weekend's football bets.

SUNDAY: An unfortunate reality.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of kids sat on the couch all day watching reality television, and even though they knew drinking at their age was wrong, it apparently would make their lives a lot more watchable.

SATURDAY: Matters of the chart.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man and a woman had no choice but to meet to plan their work presentation, but the jazz records and wine were voluntary.

FRIDAY: There is no "we" in team.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man made his wife upset by spending all night working on his fantasy football team, but he assured her that it would only be fifty-one more weeks until their next anniversary.

THURSDAY: Epic ail.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman got a bad case of the hiccups, which proved to be a nice distraction from her head cold, broken foot and violent stomach cramps.

WEDNESDAY: Self-directed rearing.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was told by his son's Montessori school teacher that he should not spank his child, and instead, it would be better if he allowed the boy to spank himself.

TUESDAY: Flight risk.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a family bought a few buckets of fried chicken and headed out to the woods for a relaxing afternoon, taunting the birds by eating their kinfolk in front of them.

MONDAY: On and running.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman woke up before dawn to get a jump on her week, which started with a four-hour nap in the shower.

SUNDAY: Keeping the kids in view.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man had a great time watching over his kids, and wished they would always spend the day playing underneath the television.

SATURDAY: Keeping up with the bones.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a dog came back from the park, where he had seen what all the other pooches were chewing, and no longer had any interest in the cheap rope knots and rubber knickknacks his owners tried to pass off as "nice toys."