FRIDAY: Full stop.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man had a massive heart attack while in the middle of writing a letter, which came as a total shock to his family, because he was always talking about how stupid he thought letters were.

THURSDAY: Club booking.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was surprised that so many of her co-workers wanted to sign up for her book club, which made her wonder what other things they would do for money.

WEDNESDAY: Bungle gym.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a physical education teacher accidentally fell asleep while counting laps for the kids running the mile, or in this case, three regular miles and five additional miles of crying and vomiting.

TUESDAY: Keep your odor running.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man noticed an unfamiliar smell inside of his car, and made a number of comments about it before his date revealed that it was perfume.

MONDAY: Tank account.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a teacher added another few fish to the classroom tank, after deciding that it was much easier to keep buying new ones than it would be to explain her compulsive habit of flinging them to birds in moments of frustration.

SUNDAY: Spelling it like it is.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was offended that her name tag for the church potluck was misspelled, and could not help but think they did it on purpose instead of writing out, "Mrs. Hope Satanfucker."

SATURDAY: Trouble dutch.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa some girls played jump rope in the driveway, but still could not jump high enough to avoid the rabid squirrel stampede.

FRIDAY: Panned cake.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa none of the kids liked the dessert that their father had made, and while they didn't have the heart to tell him, they did have the heart to throw it on the floor and storm out of the room.

THURSDAY: In the shrill of the night.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman slept over at her new boyfriend's house for the first time, and while his place could not have been more comfortable, his thrashing fits and "night shrieks" would take some getting used to.

WEDNESDAY: A hands-off approach..

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a baby took another crack at solid foods, and while he enjoyed them, he could not help but think they'd be even better coming out of a boob.

TUESDAY: Penned up aggression.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two boys wrote all over the bathroom walls with Sharpies, and while the principal was upset at their transgression he could not deny that their prose was breathtaking.

MONDAY: No high praise.

Today in Dubuqu, Iowa a woman refilled the coffee pot at work, but everyone really just wished she would bring some different flavors of pot altogether.

SUNDAY: The silver's screen.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went to see a matinee movie, and while the cheaper ticket was nice, the drone of the elderly trying to keep breathing put him in a pretty dark place.

SATURDAY: Feeling the glove.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy was happy that his parents came to watch his baseball game, he just wished they didn't insist on sitting in the outfield with him.

FRIDAY: No news.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man picked up a copy of USA Today, and immediately put down that copy of USA Today.

THURSDAY: Don't sweet it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman banned desserts from the house in an attempt to get her family into shape, although it was really the dead sprints back and forth from the convenience store to get candy bars that helped them burn off calories.

WEDNESDAY: Drive-out movies.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl asked her parents for permission to go to the movies with her friends, she just didn't say in what state.

TUESDAY: Everything is in working order.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman went to the doctor for a routine checkup and was pleased to learn that all of her routines were healthy.

MONDAY: A call to farms.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two neighbors had a dispute over where one's property ended and the other's began, which could only be settled through bickering, sabotage and centuries of massive inter-family bloodshed, or, a brief stop to the town records clerk.

SUNDAY: When the going gets rough, the rough get towing.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a few of the guys got their truck stuck in the mud, which meant it was going to be harder to get back in time for the family reunion, but easier to get through all of the drugs and booze they brought with them.

SATURDAY: Charting a new horse.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a father went out for a ride in the woods with his son, and came back with someone else's.

FRIDAY: Bed of the class.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl decided to sleep in and take the day off, but her teachers would have preferred she not come to school to do it.

THURSDAY: Brewing trouble.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a small mix-up over the cost of a cup of coffee, led to a larger mix-up over who was going to pay for a shattered café window.

WEDNESDAY: Putting in a full day.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went to the bar to have a couple of drinks after work, and to close out his tab from the drinks he had before and during work.

TUESDAY: Baiting the obvious.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man wrote another twenty pages of his mystery novel, which, despite his best effort, was proving to be neither mysterious nor novel.

MONDAY: Happy Labor Day.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa everyone showed up expecting a pool party, which made it a bit hard to swallow when they realized it was more of a "hole in the ground full of muddy water" party.

SUNDAY: The thrill of the chaste.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young woman decided it would be better if she and her boyfriend waited until marriage to have any kind of sexual contact, or as her gun-toting father put it, contact.

SATURDAY: Cashing out.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a bank shut down for a couple hours when the only teller had an existential crisis and attempted to withdraw from himself.

FRIDAY: Wearing on her.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young boy went shopping with his mom for back-to-school clothes, and had a terrib;e time finding something she could be seen wearing out.

THURSDAY: Live and churn.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman wanted to get back to old-fashioned cooking methods that her great-grandmother once used, but she could not figure out which setting on the microwave that was.