WEDNESDAY: Mixed messages.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the girls were wondering what the boys were saying about them, and the boys were standing in a circle trying to spit on a frog.

TUESDAY: You don't saying.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man got up early to see the birds catching worms, but instead found them stumbling around in the trees over his house, chirp mumbling to themselves and shitting on his car.

MONDAY: Taking the read.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man felt a huge sense of accomplishment after he read an entire book, so much so in fact that he left the room for a celebratory beer before his daughter could read it to him.

SUNDAY: Reap what you owe.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man made breakfast for his whole family and wrote them a song to sing while they ate it, but that didn’t change the fact that they still wanted his overdue child support payments.

SATURDAY: Staycation.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman booked a flight, reserved a car and contacted all of her friends, and would have a great time on her trip if she could just figure out how to get out of jail.

FRIDAY: Morning jolt.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man would have been thrilled about getting a hot cup of coffee, if he had not have gotten it flung out of someone else's cup right into his face mid-pickup line.

THURSDAY: Junk, food.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman bought a pastry at the coffee shop, but the ones that were just strewn on the street out front were still awful tempting.

WEDNESDAY: Wash and learn.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman picked up her clothes at the dry cleaners and totally got taken to the cleaners, although she chose a different metaphor when telling the story to other people to avoid the redundancy.

TUESDAY: Wipe for criticism.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman ran out of toilet paper, which made for a very awkward situation when she had to call to her boyfriend for help right in the middle of trashing her neighbor's house.

MONDAY: The truth hurts.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young man had to break the news to his parents about their car, although given what happened, he felt it would be more appropriate to speed, smash and mangle the news.

SUNDAY: 3DVR

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman got bored at the movies, but no matter how much she insisted they refused to fast forward for her.

SATURDAY: Scraping a message.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy skinned his knee, but it was only because his other knee was acting up and he wanted to make it clear what he was capable of.

FRIDAY: Self-service.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man could not decide what he wanted to buy at the liquor store, so he just spent most of the evening sipping different samples from every section and avoiding the police.

THURSDAY: A common problem.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl got another massive pile of junk mail, which only reminded her how much she hated her parents for naming her, "Resident."

WEDNESDAY: New and improved.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man ran into his ex-wife's new boyfriend at Starbucks, and after talking to him for a few minutes had to admit that he liked him a lot more than himself too.

TUESDAY: Losing control.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a little boy could absolutely not hold it in any longer, so he made his mom pull over on the highway and told her how poorly she had been matching patterns in her outfits recently.

MONDAY: Mail bonding.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was feeling nostalgic for the days of letters and missives, so instead of just sitting at home and emailing all of her friends and family she went down to the post office and sat in the parking lot to email all of her friends and family.

SUNDAY: Hopeless romanticism.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a guy just wished that a girl liked him as much as he liked her, but it was proving difficult to let her know how he felt since he was in the Midwest and she was a literary character.

SATURDAY: Needing a line.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man hung out at home waiting for the phone to ring, but it appeared that no one was taking his cries for help on Twitter very seriously.

FRIDAY: Sweet truth.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl ate all of her candy and got sick to her stomach, but she wasn't sure if her belly ache was from all of the sugar or because she had found all of the candy in the street.

THURSDAY: Willing and able.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man didn't technically need to use a wheelchair, but he just liked the feel of it a lot more than using a regular shopping cart.

WEDNESDAY: Chewing the fat.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man got a great workout in during lunch, although the other people in the Wendy's found it a bit disturbing.

TUESDAY: A critical point.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man could not care less about bagel day at work, although that was in large part due to the fact that everyone hid it from him because he was always so negative.

MONDAY: Never a rest.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a little girl actually did feel like taking a nap, but she felt like screaming in defiance just a little bit more.

SUNDAY: A loyal flush.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young man once again cleaned up at the weekly poker game, which hopefully meant that next week they would actually let him play.

SATURDAY: Everybody wins.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy had a great day playing Little League baseball, but not nearly as good a day as his degenerate uncle had betting against the opposing coach.

FRIDAY: Matters of the chart.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a scientist fell deeply in love with his research aide, but he had no idea how to express it since he didn't speak "computer software."

THURSDAY: Bad taste.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman bit off a lot more than she could chew while hosting a dinner party, although she wasn't sure she could even chew a small piece of human leg.

WEDNESDAY: Unreal devotion.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy had a huge crush on a girl, but he knew it would be hard to let her know, especially since she was not only on TV but was also a fictional character.

TUESDAY: Jump and java.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man spilled hot coffee all over himself in a meeting, but no one appeared to be as impressed with his ability to tolerate pain as he was trying to demonstrate as part of the presentation.

MONDAY: A little dash of time.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman could not believe the day went by so fast, so she set the clocks back a few hours and decided to just ride it out until one of her kids missed something important.

SUNDAY: A load of craft.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a merchant at the craft fair tried to convince people that all of his materials were recycled, which proved to not be the best marketing strategy for his falafel pockets.

SATURDAY: The pods on favorite.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a baby was fed up with non-solid food, but the dentures he fashioned out of pennies weren't fooling anybody.