FRIDAY: Breaking up is hard to food.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man had to cancel a dinner reservation, and after deciding that he didn't have the stomach to call the restaurant about it, he walked on down to tell them in person, which ended up feeling infinitely worse.

THURSDAY: And soap it goes.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the kids gathered around for another one of grandpa's stories, but momma had to break the news that his daytime stories had been canceled and from now on grandpa would be giving health tips and interviewing celebrities.

WEDNESDAY: Let's see weather you remember.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the threat of snow immediately caused panic among all those who were listening to the local news, until they realized that it was July and that the weatherman was reading six-month-old scripts again.

TUESDAY: God is in the retail.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman tried to return a t-shirt because she said it was possessed by Satan and had caused her to do horrible things, but to the guy at the customer service desk it just looked like she had spilled coffee and blue cheese dressing all over it.

MONDAY: Catching wind of a problem.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl made a big stink about not getting to eat at the restaurant she wanted, and a number of smaller stinks due to some severe, undiagnosed digestive issues.

SUNDAY: Double play.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man took his family to a baseball game, and although it was far more expensive than he thought it would be, he also managed to have far less fun than he assumed he would.

SATURDAY: Off-balance.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman had trouble balancing her checkbook, but she hunkered down and proved the old saying, "When the going gets tough, throw the going in the trash and cry in the shower."

FRIDAY: Dancing in the bark.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man found his kids at a party in the woods, and while he was angry they had lied to him about where they were going, he was excited to finally have a reason to grill them like Guantanamo detainees any time they left the house.

THURSDAY: Bumping to conclusions.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man new that something must have knocked his bookcase over, but it wasn't until he remembered that he had done it himself, that he figured out just exactly what.

WEDNESDAY: Plane and simple.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went to the airport to pick up a friend, and was disappointed to discover that their rates were the same there as everywhere else.

TUESDAY: Call of the mild.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman asked to get the extra-spicy salsa on the side, as well as the chicken, rice and beans, also on the side, because really she just wanted a clean plate to do other stuff with.

MONDAY: Going down with the dip.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was happy that everyone at work devoured his guacamole, but disappointed that someone ate the resignation note he had placed at the bottom.

SUNDAY: This, that and the brother.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two parents left one of their sons at a gas station, and although he was their favorite, he was the only collateral they had until they could find their other kid.

SATURDAY: A chip off the old chalk.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman snuck into her empty summer school classroom, so she could put all the different things in her mouth that she wanted to during the week, without the judgmental students there to make fun of her again.

FRIDAY: Banging the rum.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man woke up and started pounding daiquiris, and it wasn't until he drunk dialed his boss that he realized it was not, in fact, Saturday.

THURSDAY: More of the lame.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman broke up the monotony of the day by switching from FM to AM radio, and what she lost in popular culture references and call-in contests, she more than made up for in Christian ideology and Mexican accordion.

WEDNESDAY: Not on the agenda.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man started a meeting by letting everyone know how nervous he was, and ended the meeting a few minutes later with a violent, uncontrollable bowel movement.

TUESDAY: At ease behind the wheel.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa an elderly woman slept in her car for a little while, because even though she could have just gone home for a nap, the gentle rolling motion helped her relax.

MONDAY: A bang-up job.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a guy made the mistake of telling his boss he was late because he got into a minor car accident on the way to work, because now everyone was going to expect him to show up pretty soon with a car.

SUNDAY: Making the toast of it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man backed himself into a corner after he insisted that the old loaf of bread was fine, sending his kids back to use it before they could tell him about the raccoon babies that now claimed it as their own.

SATURDAY: See no evil.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman spent the morning using her new, industrial strength, no-streak surface cleaner and her kids spent the afternoon running face-first into their glass sliding doors.

FRIDAY: Gotta keep it real.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was disappointed when his doctor told him he could no longer have non-dairy creamer in his coffee, because, as it turned out, he was allergic to non-dairy.

THURSDAY: Lying blind.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy blamed the mess in his room on his imaginary friend, who, not wanting to ever be a scapegoat, beat the shit out of him later.

WEDNESDAY: Master of the souse.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young man got trashed on cheap beer in the afternoon, walked straight home, did some summer school homework, cleaned his room, took a nap and woke up completely regretting everything.

TUESDAY: Down and gout.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man's doctor told him he had to eat less red meat, which was going to be hard considering that everything he currently had in the house was "steak-wrapped."

MONDAY: Happy 4th of July.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa no one could find a spare tank of propane, so when the grills dried up everyone suddenly wanted to be friends with the one guy in town who only cooked with M-80s.

SUNDAY: Sundae, bloody sundae.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa all the kids were so excited to have delicious, cold ice cream on a hot day that they didn't mind the fact that their friend wouldn't say where he got it, or why the carton was stained with crimson streaks.

SATURDAY: On a wing and a dare.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a little girl was pretty sure that the feather she found did not have any disease or small bugs on it, but she would find out for certain by putting it in her brother's mouth while he was sleeping.

FRIDAY: A sharp observation.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man told his son to watch out for rusty nails while he was walking near the new construction, because they could really use those suckers if he spotted any.