THURSDAY: Taking it to the pleats.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman wanted a perfectly ironed pair of pants, but what she got was a completely wasted afternoon.

WEDNESDAY: Bag company.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl went on a big shopping trip to make herself feel better, but all the pants and shoes in the world couldn't change the fact that she just wasn't getting that arm back.

TUESDAY: Father knows mess.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man once again fell on hard times, which infuriated him because he kept telling his kids not to leave those hard times in the middle of the floor where everyone could trip over them.

MONDAY: What an idiom.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl made her bed, then she lay in it, and frankly no part of the process sounded as bad as her mother had made it out to be.

SUNDAY: Clucked.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man and his daughters agreed that it would be best if mom cooked, mom decided that it would be best if Kentucky Fried Chicken cooked, and KFC decided it would be best to make up excuses until the E. coli breakout was in order.

SATURDAY: A beautiful mourning.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a family did not want to be insensitive, but given what a nice day it was they were pretty certain grandpa would have wanted the wake outside too.

FRIDAY: Pasta ballad.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman sang at the top of her lungs while making dinner, which helped mask the sound of shrieking chicken quite well.

THURSDAY: Where there's an ill there's no way.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was thrilled to wake up with a cough, a fever, a sinus infection and three great excuses just in case anyone asked him to do anything.

WEDNESDAY: A family of errors.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy got in trouble with his mother for eating cookies out of a package on the shelf in the grocery store, because he completely blew her cover as she was pocketing lemons.

TUESDAY: Always be clothing.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young boy's insistence that he be naked made it difficult for the family therapist to avoid a potentially illegal situation.

MONDAY: Nothing to beard but beard itself.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man showed up to the office with a thick, full beard, which was very intimidating to all of the guys who couldn't see the tape and glue even when they got up close.

SUNDAY: Happy Father's Day.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was so excited to get breakfast in bed and presents from his whole family that he completely forgot to call his mistress like he had promised.

SATURDAY: Just stressing around.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman decided to take a day off from being around her family to hang out with her unmarried friends, driving them around, hearing about all of their personal problems and enjoying a few minutes of rest as she waited for them to finish crying in the IHOP bathroom.

FRIDAY: Hooked on a ceiling.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was determined to give up her candy habit, so it did not help when her husband came into a glut of well-priced pinatas.

THURSDAY: You win some, you snooze some.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman could have taken first place at the local bake off, but instead took eleven Ambien just to see if she could.

WEDNESDAY: So close, and yet so charred.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa an eager man brought out the charcoal grill for the very first time this summer, and everyone had a lovely evening locking the grill back up and dabbing ointment on his vicious face burns.

TUESDAY: Lend me your rear.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a parent broke her own rule and actually spanked her child, and while she didn't want to do it again she definitely understood what all the hype was about.

MONDAY: Ups and nouns.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a teacher was glad to finally be away from the school for a while, but correcting people's grammar at the grocery store just didn't feel the same.

SUNDAY: Playing the gods.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man insisted that everyone in the family adopt a different religion, and hopefully the real one would bear out by the end of the week so they could all cash in.

SATURDAY: False tart.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a little girl made dessert for the whole family, and even though it was crafted out of cardboard and magic marker, she wasn't leaving the table until everyone cleaned their plates.

FRIDAY: A nap in the face.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young girl refused to rest while her mother cooked dinner, just in case she tried to throw any gross shit in there.

THURSDAY: Cramp site.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy went out to the middle of the forest, deciding that it was the perfect place to be alone, lay low and figure out what the crippling pains in his abdomen were.

WEDNESDAY: Not a dry guy in the house.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man pulled the office fire alarm, triggering the sprinkler system and ruining thirty computers that he would no longer have to fix. 

TUESDAY: Facing the fats.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman tried to decide which butter or butter substitute was healthiest for her family, and eventually got very upset that she had no idea any more.

MONDAY: The depths of this pear.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man painted another still life for his art class and everyone agreed that it was very two-dimensional.

SUNDAY: Sunday crunch.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a group of friends got together to share a meal, and really wished they could each have their own instead.

SATURDAY: Waking point.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy awoke to the sound of screaming and once again asked his parents to buy him a new alarm clock.

FRIDAY: Burning up the road.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man could not tell whether the road was really bumpy or if he had a flat tire, but either way he was pretty certain that his engine was on fire.

THURSDAY: Tying the not.

Today in a Dubuque, Iowa a young man proposed to the girl of his dreams, and even though she said yes, by the end of recess it was clear that she was giving it up to every first grader on the playground.

WEDNESDAY: Waisting time.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man started the first day of his brand new diet with an egg-white omelet, wheat toast and juice, which was a slight change from his usual egg-yolk omelet, French toast sticks and Jim Beam.