TUESDAY: The phony express.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman didn't mean to spread a rumor about her coworker, but the ease of Instant Messenger basically left her with no other option.

MONDAY: Happy Memorial Day.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a family was excited to take a nice, long drive, and they were significantly less excited for a short drive, a quick accident and a long day of waiting on the side of the highway.

SUNDAY: Strawberry short temper.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a few kids were pretty sure that de-seeding strawberries was impossible, but they knew better than to disagree with post-margarita mom.

SATURDAY: Burning desire.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was relieved to make it to the bank before it closed, because without a stack of deposit slips he had no idea what he was going to use for barbecue kindling.

FRIDAY: Crispy small fries.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa no one on the baseball team wanted to put on sunscreen in front of the other guys, but they had no qualms about ruining their parents nights' by whining about their face burns.

THURSDAY: Cream a little cream for me.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman attempted to make homemade whipped cream, but ended up making an absolute fool of herself in front of her family, the neighborhood children, the mayor, a small news crew and the International Council of Advocates for Homemade Whipped Cream.

WEDNESDAY: Gut awful.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman had no regrets about competing in a hot pepper eating contest at lunch, but the endless stream of whiskey shots she got goaded into doing in the bathroom were another story.

TUESDAY: The winded road.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went for a light jog, which made his breath heavy and his puking immediate.

MONDAY: Jumping the pun.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man thought of a particularly hilarious lunch joke during breakfast, but when he tried to tell it at work, everyone could tell that it had gone stale.

SUNDAY: Crafty services.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was so impressed with how efficient the caterers set up and broke everything down, she didn't even notice that they didn't actually bring any food.

SATURDAY: Off to the stasis.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was all set for a day in the car, driving out on the open road, rolling the top down and enjoying the wind in his hair, just as soon as he could figure out how to get the door open and hot-wire the sucker.

FRIDAY: Extra dip.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man found a stash of tortilla chips under the stairs and as mad as he was that one of his children was hiding food, he was a lot angrier that he never knew they had storage space back there.

THURSDAY: Turn the seat around.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman returned her young daughter's car seat back to it's rear-facing position, because even with only a few vocabulary words, the girl was getting pretty critical of her mom's ability to keep the car straight.

WEDNESDAY: Waking bad.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man got up, took a shower and got dressed, but unfortunately, not in that order.

TUESDAY: If you can't beat them, beat them.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa no one ever looked at the girl who got third place, mainly because she was off in the shadows beating the shit out of the girl who got second.

MONDAY: Moving in a new convection.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman started using the oven again, as it was getting harder and harder to convince her family that the toaster was the best way to cook chicken.

SUNDAY: Keeping it eel.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man brought sushi home for dinner, which all of the fish in his aquarium couldn't help but interpret as some kind of threat.

SATURDAY: Bake and shake.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a group of kids weren't worried about making money during the bake sale, which led to a joyous afternoon for the city's shrewdest hagglers.

FRIDAY: A grand old rhyme.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man botched a limerick so badly that by the third line he resorted to just trying to rhyme swear words and making sexual gestures with the PTA hand-outs.

THURSDAY: Show and yell.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two boys got into a fight on the daycare meeting rug when they learned that the same model stuffed bear was sleeping with both of them.

WEDNESDAY: Tongue-dried.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man announced that he needed a little bit of water before he began his speech, which was a small problem considering he meant that he wanted to take a quick shower.

TUESDAY: A viewer response.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa an older woman swore that she would never watch TV again, which would be hard to do anyway considering how badly she smashed the screen with her cane.

MONDAY: Well, it doesn't suck.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy didn't think his mom would notice that the vacuum was broken, because she'd be far more focused on the fact that it was on fire.

SUNDAY: Happy Mother's Day.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man thought about waking up his wife to get help, but instead decided that she would appreciate that he made her a completely shitty breakfast all by himself.

SATURDAY: They always wanted a grill.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a cookout turned deadly for one family when a man started grilling not only a whole chicken, but that chicken's wife and children as well.

FRIDAY: Male call.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl was nervous about calling up a boy to talk, especially considering it was her dad's boss.

THURSDAY: It's 9 a.m. somwhere.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man wanted to just kick back with a beer and relax for a while, but his boss wanted him to put his shoes back on and continue the presentation.

WEDNESDAY: Plotty training.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a freshman girl went to the bathroom to get out of her boring history class, but by the time she got there she had completely missed the seminar one of the seniors was giving on Jane Austen's Persuasion.

TUESDAY: Never a cure thing.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man took a mental health day off from work, but unfortunately learned that it would take longer than a day to cure his severe anxiety disorder.

MONDAY: Bother of the bribe.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl was certain that someone would come over to her at lunch and profess his love for her in front of all the other girls, but it turned out that $20 wasn't enough money to get some stupid boy to follow through on anything.

SUNDAY: It just ain't the shame.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy had a fine time at church, but he would enjoy Catholicism a lot more if the body of Christ was covered in chocolate.

SATURDAY: Easy access.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman left her keys in the front door, which posed a huge dilemma for the mailman, who had been thinking about breaking in but had a strong moral objection to cheating.