FRIDAY: A certain bet.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man wanted to put money on the NBA playoffs, but ended up having to put it on his son's orthodontist's desk instead.

THURSDAY: A day late and a sleeve short.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl borrowed a sweater from a friend, but she returned it as mortal enemies.

WEDNESDAY: Seeing is bereaving.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man could not bring himself to look in the casket at the funeral, but if he had he would have realized why he didn't recognize anyone at the service.

TUESDAY: Crash diet.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman hit a drive-through on her way home from work, so at least she could get a bite to eat while the police gathered all the details about the accident.

MONDAY: No good deed goes unpublished.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy brought in cookies for his class, and all the students were thrilled until they realized that he was only doing it so he would look good in his blog.

SUNDAY: Happy Easter.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young girl went to church with her family, even though she was still pretty pissed off that Jesus had never taken that tooth from underneath her pillow.

SATURDAY: Tilling the mood.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman bought a lot of heavy farming machinery, but after she started reading the safety manuals she was no longer sure they would make for good activities at her child's birthday party.

FRIDAY: Indifferent to the loss.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a little girl spilled her drink everywhere, in part because she does not understand basic physics yet, but mainly because she is completely oblivious.

THURSDAY: A foreign experience.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman came home from the Japanese market with a few things she didn't recognize, which would not have been a big deal except that a couple of those things were people.

WEDNESDAY: Bill or be billed.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman didn't mind picking up the check at lunch, since it would give her a chance to try out the new credit card she'd stolen.

TUESDAY: Bearly there.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went into the woods to shoot an annoying bear, but he came out thinking that maybe he wasn't such a bad creature after all.

MONDAY: Pool-Aid.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the boys agreed that the pool was still way too cold to swim in, but just about the perfect temperature to drink.

SUNDAY: A touch of clash.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was polite enough not to say anything about the messy areas of her neighbor's home while she was visiting, but once she got to the Internet the gloves came off.

SATURDAY: Extra values meal.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a family was far more excited for the cheeseburgers they got at the drive-through, then they were for the brief sermon they got from the Jehovah's Witness who took their order.

FRIDAY: A much needed change of paste.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young boy could not have been more pleased when the art teacher announced she had purchased new class glue, because if he had to eat one more handful of the old stuff he was just going to switch to boogers.

THURSDAY: Two kids in a candy shop.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy brought his pet goat into the drug store, and no one would have guessed which of the two would end up shitting on the floor.

WEDNESDAY: Cruel and the gang.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the regulars at the dog park didn't have any time for the new bitch, no matter how good her ass smelled.

TUESDAY: The missing ink.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa no one wanted to tell a man where the toner cartridges were, because even though they needed him to fix the copier, they knew that he would just use it to make more handouts of his colonoscopy report.

MONDAY: A firm grippe.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy woke up feeling sick, but it wasn't until later at school that he got really dramatic about it.

SUNDAY: Zoning out.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man and a woman had an amazing midday nap, in spite of their children yelling for food and to be driven to soccer practice.

SATURDAY: Not so sweet.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man apologized for accidentally sneezing onto a pile of fruit, but the store employee assured him that the produce had seen much worse.

FRIDAY: Grasping at laws.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a defense attorney raised another minor objection, hoping that if he put up enough resistance everyone might just get tired of talking about all twelve of those murders.

THURSDAY: Making his face.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a high school boy used his student council election speech as a chance to show that he could, in fact, grow a mustache, in spite of his opponent's passionate accusations to the contrary.

WEDNESDAY: Grilled.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a teacher had to ask the boy how he had made so many panini sandwiches during class, but what she really wanted to know was how he got the crust so even.

TUESDAY: New and imp proof.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man built shelves as high up as he could in the kitchen, because his wife was really going to chew him out if the kids got into all of the poison again.

MONDAY: Juiced up.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a mother was proud of her son for just having a fruit smoothie in the morning instead of his usual breakfast of a fruit smoothie and three to four grams of marijuana.

SUNDAY: Touching me, touching Jews.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a church group wanted to get out and preach the word, but most of their neighbors just wanted to know how they'd gotten into their bedrooms.

SATURDAY: Feeling crabby.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a mother reprimanded her kids for complaining about having seafood for dinner again, and she refused to hear another sob story about their shellfish allergies.

FRIDAY: Happy April Fools.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a father realized that his son wasn't pulling an April Fools prank, but only after many hours of tossing things at him to prove that he hadn't gone temporarily blind.