TUESDAY: Up errly.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa some teenagers got real wake-up calls when a local hotel phone system went haywire and started dialing cell phone numbers at 5am.

MONDAY: Lame excuse.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa no one ever believed the excuses of woman who limped into worked late, but they also were not sure how she faked such a convincing gunshot wound.

SUNDAY: Do whatever unto others.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a lazy effort on the sermon meant more than a few teenagers left church with a higher regard for their pastor.

SATURDAY: Psychological breaking it down.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa people got crazy on the dance floor, which was unfortunate since the loud music and low lighting made it hard to diagnose.

FRIDAY: Double trouble.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa there was a strong smell of chocolate in the air, which led to a hypnotic afternoon when the peanut butter haze returned.

THURSDAY: Not playing around.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a game of dodgeball got ugly when the students pissed off their gym teacher and he inserted a "nutshot only" mandate.

WEDNESDAY: Just desserts.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a long lunch followed by a long nap led to a very quick firing.

TUESDAY: Spiraling down.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a spinning office chair and a quick lesson on rotational inertia led to the most boring goofing off the office had ever seen.

MONDAY: Furniture despair.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa everyone thought the loveseat was stuck in the recline position, but really, it just didn't have the willpower to sit up anymore.

SUNDAY: Snooze alarming.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man sleepwalked all the way to church, which only added to the guilt of waking up at 11:30.

SATURDAY: Tuning in.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a family spent the afternoon and evening watching basketball on television, which was a real bore to watch for the neighborhood pervert.

FRIDAY: No laughing matter.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a Mexican joke fell flat when the man telling it tried to blame the terrible punchline on the Mexicans.

THURSDAY: Tablet rasa.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl flushed her father's iPad in the toilet, which he took as a sign that she wanted him to spend more time with her, and which she did to try to wash off all of the cocaine residue.

WEDNESDAY: Smoked.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one man discovered the dangers of smoking when he flicked his lit cigarette in the face of his date's ex-boyfriend and got the shit beat out of him.

TUESDAY: Diction problems.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa all the popular kids added a new girl to their group, but quickly kicked her out for using too many polysyllabic words, or as they called them, "big."

MONDAY: Surprise partly.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy brought cupcakes for his birthday, and poison for the girl who told him she hoped he never made it to this day.

SUNDAY: Tech books.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa Bible school took a turn for the ugly when one little boy Googled "evolution" on his teacher's iPhone.

SATURDAY: Tongue depressant.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was drunk when he showed up to the doctor, but it was the only way he could keep himself from making a joke about the male nurse for the tenth straight visit.

FRIDAY: Too old for this shit.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young boy had to confront his mother over Instagramming pictures of his bath time.

THURSDAY: Modern eats.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa was the first time anyone ever uttered the phrase, "Well, I guess that's what a bagel looks like."

WEDNESDAY: Speech impediment.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a southern drawl was misinterpreted as a pre-stroke neurological symptom, which turned out to be a very funny story after twelve hours of hospital tests.

TUESDAY: Meeting low standards.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the amount of bullshit said in the conference room was almost as astonishing as how much of it was taken seriously.

MONDAY: Two agendas.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the girls all got together to complain about their husbands, while the boys all got together to forget about their wives.

SUNDAY: No expression.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl made a face and it got suck like that, but her mother had warned her that Bell's palsy ran in their family.

SATURDAY: Good for what ails ya.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a trip to the doctor turned into a whole ordeal, when a boy's mother suddenly got a real hankering to run one of her long cons.

FRIDAY: Now or never.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a table quickly became a bed when one dose of Levitra kicked in with a very short window of efficacy.

THURSDAY: Unintended consequences.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa an after school special showing the dangers of doing drugs, made doing drugs look pretty damn cool.

WEDNESDAY: Child's play.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy bought a new tractor toy with the money he saved up pillaging the government for farm subsidies.

TUESDAY: Cooking overtime.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman cooked three meals at home, which didn't leave much time to cook three more for her other family that no one knew about.

MONDAY: Nude landscapping.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man planted new hedges in his yard, but they would have to grow for a few years before they would completely block his neighbor's from seeing his naked lawn adventures.

SUNDAY: Cents of the morning.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa change was brewing, which just made the coffee taste like nickels.

SATURDAY: Saying little.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the goose was as good as the gander, but still no one had any clue what the hell that meant.

FRIDAY: Cutting back.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman cancelled her bevy of magazine subscriptions, as the paper cuts had simply become unbearable.

THURSDAY: Dairy full.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one girl drank a gallon of milk to win a bet, and her only regret was that she drank that gallon of cream before anyone came over.

WEDNESDAY: Boob tube.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a family watched The Learning Channel all night and went to bed feeling surprisingly stupid.

TUESDAY: Game plant.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the basketball coach tried to spruce up the locker room with some new flowers, and was able to find out about all of his players' pollen allergies in one fell swoop.

MONDAY: Chained reaction.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a bicycle thief was thwarted when the victim started unloading his personal issues on him, causing him to flee before taking on any undue emotional burden.

SUNDAY: Falling stars.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa families gathered all over the city to cozy up by the television and turn off the Oscars.

SATURDAY: Spit shined.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, leading to questions about why his mother was ingesting silver.

FRIDAY: A thin film.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a substitute teacher decided to skip the lesson and just show a movie instead, although the students would have preferred not to watch one he had made himself.

THURSDAY: Time management problems.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man pawned his watch for a grandfather clock, which he was disappointed to discover fit horribly.

WEDNESDAY: Quipfire.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a board meeting had only gone on for two minutes before someone made the first "bored meeting" joke, which was a new record assholes everywhere.

TUESDAY: A bite out of the week.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the office lunch was free, but the crippling food poisoning cost the company an entire afternoon.

MONDAY: Dubuque chic.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a dress made the city's what not to wear list, or as it was known in the newspaper, "local fashion."

SUNDAY: Nothing but stubble.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man started growing a beard, which his wife said looked shockingly similar to not shaving for church.

SATURDAY: Weakend activities.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa everyone got so bored around the house that the kids walked to school, the parents went into work and the pervert who normally watches from the tree house got the full run of the place.

FRIDAY: Serious business.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a business meeting was briefly interrupted while everyone checked to see whether the client briefs were really edible, or if the intern had officially made his first joke.

THURSDAY: Happy Valentine's Day.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man showed up at home with flowers, candy and take-out food, which would have been better received had he not gone to his mistress' house.

WEDNESDAY: The lesser of two evils.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the girls locker room became the site of an impromptu puppet show, and even though the teachers knew it was scarring to the girls it made fun of, they figured it was better than smoking.

TUESDAY: Otis flounder.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa no one knew the first thing about elevator repair, which really impacted the fact that they knew the next thirty things.

MONDAY: Neat weather.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the wind swept over the plains, which was way overdue for a good sweeping.

SUNDAY: Waiting grains.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the grits were cold when everyone ate them, but at least the impromptu talent show that started when they were warm, was terrible to watch.

SATURDAY: Eating with the rude.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a really bad case of meth mouth went unnoticed, but the poor table maners stuck out like a hot poker.

FRIDAY: Seasonings change.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa tacos were a surprising change for one family, who was used to be served total shit.

THURSDAY: Waking hours.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa daylight broke a little bit early, which gave everyone a chance to fix it before anyone else noticed.

WEDNESDAY: Forward thinking.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a rear view mirror broke off in a woman's car, which coupled with the Tracy Chapman on the radio gave her an irrational commitment to completely ignoring what she was leaving behind.

TUESDAY: Kick start.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa danger was a foot, and no one had ever expected that foot to get so violent.

MONDAY: A hot mess.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man poured hot coffee inside his hard drive, which not only meant that he had the rest of the day free, but also that he didn't have to drink that bullshit coffee.

SUNDAY: Seeing red.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman poured cranberry juice all over the carpet, but no one said a word, since the whole family had vowed not to react to her desperate cries for attention.

SATURDAY: Filling avoid.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a father slept in until 2pm, snuck out for McDonald's and resumed sleeping sometime around 3:30.

FRIDAY: Life's an itch.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy's allergies got so bad that he had to completely stop lining the walls of his sister's room with raccoon hair.

THURSDAY: The fume, the proud.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a gas station closed for the afternoon when the employees decided that they deserved a few hours of huffing time all by themselves.

WEDNESDAY: Dairy clever.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl brought her teacher a wheel of cheese, knowing that it would not do anything for her now, but that knocking him out with cholesterol issues might be a blessing to future generations.

TUESDAY: Out, out damn thought.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl figured out that Shakespeare is a lot more fun to read when you skip most of the pages and blissfully ignore the consequences.

MONDAY: Looking up.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one man proved that a wink and smile from the hot secretary can make your day, whether or not you know they were just a twitch and a sneer.

SUNDAY: World's best dad.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one dad showed his kids all of his old records, but they didn't seem to care since they were just a few sentences printed in a book.

SATURDAY: A low-tech night.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman lit some candles, turned down the lights and waited for her kids to complain about another one of her at-home, colonial reenactments.

FRIDAY: e-Readers.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a group of women managed to go an entire book club meeting without saying anything hurtful to the two among them who still thought no one could tell they were just reading Wikipedia summaries online.

THURSDAY: Beta carotene testing.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa carrot sticks were once again the most overrated snack.

WEDNESDAY: Lactose intolerant

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a bottle of milk got smashed on the sidewalk by someone who felt so much love for it, that the only thing he could do was destroy it before it hurt him.

TUESDAY: The bother woman.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa it was fine that a woman's voice got on everyone's nerves at the meeting, but it was a problem when her chopped salad got on everyone's faces during the client call.

MONDAY: Happy Martin Luther King Day.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one man sat the family down to watch all of the mini series "Roots," which quickly and seamlessly transitioned into a "Two and a Half Men" marathon.

SUNDAY: Motivating factors.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa it was sheer determination that got the yard work started, and a number of trips to the garage for pot that got it done.

SATURDAY: Language terrier.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a stern lecture about grammar became obnoxious, but the kids had to admit that the opening salvo on comma placement was at least said with the best intentions.

FRIDAY: Steps back.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa an attempt to put together a group dance for a surprise office birthday, ended abruptly following a bitter power struggle over choreography.

THURSDAY: Holiday jeer.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa all of the carpet smelled like shit, which once again made everyone wonder why they kept celebrating, "Shit Smelling Carpet Day."

WEDNESDAY: Keep the odor running.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one dad had a cigar while driving his kids on the way to school, and although they agreed not to tell their mother, they were not as willing to burn their clothes.

TUESDAY: What a pill.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman ran out of her medication mid-morning, which she figured was going to be a side-effect of deciding to up her dosage without telling her doctor.

MONDAY: Shooting down the shit.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa "I've taken up stretching," got the biggest laugh of the day, at one conference room meeting.

SUNDAY: Working swine to five.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one restaurant's supplies got so low that they finally had to make a choice about whether or not to kill off the pig that they had hired as a dishwasher.

SATURDAY: Tooning in.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a father realized that if he took the kids all day Saturday, that not only would he get to watch football all day Sunday, but he also got to watch cartoons all day Saturday.

FRIDAY: Delicious secrets.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl used the money she had saved up to buy herself a decent meal, which was not so easy to explain to her mother when she got home at dinnertime.

THURSDAY: Priority over mail.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a postal worker knew he would have to deliver through rain, or sleet, or snow or hail, but the code didn't say anything about a Ghost Hunters marathon.

WEDNESDAY: Mealing low.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one woman was completely dissatisfied with just having cereal for breakfast, but it was her only option since the cereal people were the only ones delivering at that hour.

TUESDAY: Hunger games.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was surprised when she saw her children heading into the woods brandishing kitchen knives and baseball bats, but it was dinner time, and she had told them to fend for themselves.

MONDAY: Thrifty business.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman had to convince the movie theater to let her bring her seeing eye dog in, which was even more of a challenge than getting her boyfriend to put on the fur costume.

SUNDAY: Game changer.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a father had to agree to split TV time with his four children, which completely defeated the purpose of having four separate TVs.

SATURDAY: Climbing the family tree.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy called up the girl from his chemistry class that he liked to see if she wanted to go out some time, but after he talked to her mom for a while, he figured there was a bigger prize to be won.

FRIDAY: Shooting for more.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went hunting for bargains, but all he got was quail and a couple of rabbits.

THURSDAY: Giving it up.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman had eyes for a man down at the end of the bar, but he wished she had picked a less public place to exchange them.

WEDNESDAY: Weather rapport.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa there was a chance of snow, but the sun called a couple favors in with some clouds he knew and got the whole thing sorted out.

TUESDAY: Happy New Year.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man seriously regretted his brunch order, not because the minestrone soup with a side of cottage cheese was bad, but because he already broke his resolution to put more thought into things.

MONDAY: Happy New Year's Eve.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the group of hipsters who had gathered at the party spent the evening counting up to ten.

SUNDAY: Snowbody to play with.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the icy weather kept everyone indoors, except the penguin family that had just moved to town and was having a hard time making friends.

SATURDAY: Doughble trouble.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man sent his kids out to buy donuts for the family, giving him just enough time to devour the ones he had gotten for himself.

FRIDAY: The less revealing, the better.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one woman did everything she could to cover up her crow's feet before her date came over, but it was hard considering how big the pile of them in her apartment was.

THURSDAY: Flying off the handle.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a bad cup of coffee was the thing that ruined one woman's morning, which was surprising considering how many birds had found their way into the house and defecated in the cupboards.

WEDNESDAY: A doze of reality.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one man's quest to take a nap ran smack dab into one child's quest to see how piercing a human scream could actually be.

TUESDAY: Merry Christmas.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the children were disappointed by their presents, which made sense considering how little thought went into buying them.

MONDAY: Stockings and bootings.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a family egg nog-drinking contest took a turn for the worse after the children insisted that a funnel and rubber tube would take things to another level.

SUNDAY: The road behind.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a family trip was seriously delayed for what felt like decades, due in large part to the father's insistence on using paper maps from the mid-1980s.

SATURDAY: Data plan.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young woman didn't mean to break up her ex-boyfriend's new relationship, but when you start forwarding old photos and texts to everyone you know, sometimes things just work out for the best.

FRIDAY: Making the holidays bright.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a family all curled up by the fire to enjoy the cozy warm glow that used to be their neighbor's overwhelmingly lit nativity scene.

THURSDAY: Odd Saint Nick.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa all the kids gathered around to see Santa on the roof, which was awkward for the man they were looking at, who had only climbed onto the top of his RV to take a piss in peace.

WEDNESDAY: Not stomaching it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man had a bad plate of shrimp for breakfast, a bad plate of shrimp for lunch and a serious talk with his shrimp nutritionist for dinner.

TUESDAY: Unnatural beauty.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the river shined and sparkled as it flowed through town, in part from the crisp day and the bright sun, but largely from the thick layer of oil and bacteria coating the top.

MONDAY: Hidden stressings.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the kids coming back from college to spend a holiday with their families for the first time since leaving, were struck with the overwhelming urge to start drinking at breakfast.

SUNDAY: Baby lakers.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy asked his father where human beings came from, and looking to avoid the conversation, "Michigan" seemed an acceptable answer.

SATURDAY: Odor there.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the fishy smell from the garage proved to be raw fish but the gamey smell in the kitchen was all people.

FRIDAY: A good, hard luck.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of the younger employees at the office flirted all day in anticipation for the holiday office party, but when they both got fired before lunch they dropped the runaround and just had sex in her car.

THURSDAY: Stuck with dad.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the kids got to go to work with their father, miss school, go to the mall at lunch, and then go to the gym before dinner, all because of one tiny decision to lock themselves in the trunk of his car.

WEDNESDAY: House cleaning.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was relieved to discover that the stains on her couch were just horse blood, and not a manifestation of her damaged psyche as she had assumed.

TUESDAY: Signals down.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man yelled at all the traffic lights on his way to work until they changed, which made sense since he was running late, but the traffic lights still felt like shit about it.

MONDAY: Lady and the stamp.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young woman's errands started at the post office, and thanks to a brief but potent quarter-life crisis in the Ross parking lot, ended with getting a flock of uncaged doves tattooed on her lower back.

SUNDAY: Evidence gathering.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman saw her old college friends for the first time in years, and had so much fun catching up on their lives that she almost forgot she was investigating them for the FBI.

SATURDAY: Feckless abandon.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one dad was all settled in for a relaxing day on the couch, when it struck him that he was unclear what the rest of the family meant by, "leaving forever."

FRIDAY: Passing along the savings.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the carpet store ran a 60% off sale on all old, wet carpet rolls they had salvaged when the water heater exploded or semi-charred rolls they had reclaimed after the lice infestation, which most residents agreed, was a pretty good deal.

THURSDAY: Playing the antagonist.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a book club meeting ended abruptly when one woman made it clear that, she was not speaking as the character, and that the racial epithets were all hers.

WEDNESDAY: Experimenting poorly.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a bunch of boys from the neighborhood met in the woods to smoke some weed, although they should have put some more thought into which one and not just yanked up the first thing they saw in the dirt.

TUESDAY: In a pinch.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two guys went into a convenience store looking for snacks, but learned that it's much harder to steal them when you tell everyone that you're looking for them.

MONDAY: Everything old is not new again.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one lady in the office was up to her old tricks, which mainly consisted of a ball and cup routine she had worn everyone out on years earlier.

SUNDAY: Stale holding on.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa another disastrous Boy Scout bake sale was enough to prompt one troop leader to strongly consider letting the gay kids back in.

SATURDAY: A tough beat.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one boy practiced his snare drum in the garage for hours on end, while the rest of the neighborhood patiently waited, plotting the drum's swift demise.

FRIDAY: Getting served.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one school lunch cook got a bit too adventurous, and the principal had to spend the afternoon explaining to parents why their children had so much "reduction."

THURSDAY: Constructive thinking.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman considered what furniture to buy to bring her living room together, but deep down she knew that the real issue was getting the walls and ceiling rebuilt.

WEDNESDAY: Outbreaking out.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa there was a rash of reports at the health center about a central breakout of unhealthy rashes.

TUESDAY: Not the king of teens.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a substitute teacher offered to skip the math lesson and just show the kids a movie, but when they saw it was a Kevin James DVD they opted for problem sets.

MONDAY: No mention of humps.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a legitimate question from a student about camels, toes and whether or not members of the species mated as often as they should, was enough to finally push one sixth grade science teacher over the edge.

SUNDAY: Whatever LOL wants, LOL gets.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two boys worked long hours trying to film the perfect YouTube video, and by early evening it was clear that there was no way they were getting around lighting the cat's motorized unicorn on fire.

SATURDAY: Dread locked.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a mother argued that her son needed a haircut, but he was holding out until she gave up her campaign to grow the world's longest fingernails

FRIDAY: Tempering expectations.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man thought all of the women at the gym looked a lot hotter than usual, so he would have to wait for them to get back down to room temperature before hitting on them.

THURSDAY: Happy Thanksgiving.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa one wild turkey got stuck in a neighborhood and hid under a porch until the sun had gone down, when he figured it was safe to return home for ham and stuffing.

WEDNESDAY: Holiday preparation.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the roads were packed as everyone did their Thanksgiving grocery shopping and their pre-Thanksgiving driving around the block to avoid family for as long as possible.

TUESDAY: Moving their feet.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a high school basketball game took a turn for the worse when all of the players decided to stop playing defense and start playing "Jock Jams".

MONDAY: Personal conversion.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man bought eight pints of ice cream at the store, which he failed to convince his wife was the same thing as one gallon of milk.

SUNDAY: She learned from watching them.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl cut the grass without telling her parents, so they were furious when they got back home to find half of their pot missing.

SATURDAY: Lost cause.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the PTA secretary unfortunately misplaced her meeting notes binder, which was full of a few thousand words that fortunately, no one was ever planning on reading.

FRIDAY: Something's burning.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the air around the neighborhood smelled like delicious brownies and spiced cider, which proved to be the perfect cover for the backyard dog hair bonfire.

THURSDAY: Stuck in neutral.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a Swiss man bet $25 on a coin flip, and seriously regretted not picking a side.

WEDNESDAY: Slipping into madness.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa there was a huge olive oil spill in the grocery store, and one junior clerk whose mop and bucket were missing, armed with nothing but napkins from the coffee counter, had a real shitty morning.

TUESDAY: Canine to five.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman brought her dog to work, and while none of her coworkers were allergic, they did take objection with all of the piss.

MONDAY: Rise and vine.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a calm fell over a woman after sending her kids off to school, which once again reminded her of the many benefits of having red wine for breakfast.

SUNDAY: The family that plays together, stays together.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a father shared a little bit of marijuana with his son in the garage, which would have come as a huge surprise to his wife, if she wasn't getting blackout drunk with their daughter in the basement.

SATURDAY: A punch in the gutter.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a neighborhood mourned the loss of an adorable family of chipmunks, who moved away after the possum carcass they had been feeding on was finally disposed of by the public sanitation department.

FRIDAY: Rolling out.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man showed off his new car to the rest of his office mates, who agreed it was spacious, but still weren't comfortable taking a spin around the block in a hearse.

THURSDAY: Running through it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa there was a mandatory fire drill at the elementary school, which was just the chance one second grade class was looking for to make a break for it.

WEDNESDAY: Firing it up.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a guy went out to have a blast with his friends, but it turned out to be more of a pop followed by a brush fire.

TUESDAY: Happy Election Day.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa voters flocked to the polls while their flocks flocked into the river.

MONDAY: Division for the future.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman asked an older lady in the doctor's waiting room if she would like to talk about politics, and was politely told to go fuck herself.

SUNDAY: In hot water.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa there was a clog in a shower drain, which may have been from hair or soap, but was most likely from the drugs, money and animal pelts.

SATURDAY: American pride.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a homophobic man put his American flag in the washing machine and regretted to find that it came out mostly pink.

FRIDAY: Blocked expectations.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa there was a small traffic jam at 9th and Bluff, which commuters said was a nice change of pace from the regular traffic jam at 9th and White.

THURSDAY: Sweets surrender.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the children gathered to decide how best to ration their stores of Halloween candy for the next year, before gorging on two thirds of it and passing out on the dog beds.

WEDNESDAY: Happy Halloween.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man reminded people to wear their seat belts, he pointed out prescription drug warnings on labels and he commented on the cleanliness of the air and water, and still, no one knew he was dressed as Ralph Nader, they just thought he was a real asshole.

TUESDAY: In low demand.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a substitute teacher scratched her nails across the chalkboard to let her students know that she meant business, but since it was an economics class and she spent most of it doing stuff like that, they weren't so sure how much she actually knew about business.

MONDAY: A monster on the block.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman heard an unsettling scratching sound in her home, but when she went to the closet to see if some animal had gotten in again, it thankfully turned out to just be the neighbor child she had detained for the weekend, right where she had left him.

SUNDAY: The more pleasant seasoning.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the smells of autumn were in the air, thankfully masking the odors from the record number of shallow pet rodent burials in the ground.

SATURDAY: Screwing the pooch.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a child's attempt to make his parents breakfast ended with a pet dog's reluctant effort to save the tattered remains of the kid's dignity.

FRIDAY: Calming maybe.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man consulted the Internet for advice on where to take his girlfriend out for their six-month anniversary, although most of the 13 year-olds who responded were admittedly unprepared to comment on anything beyond the first three weeks of sexting.

THURSDAY: Churn notice.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a pre-Thanksgiving, colonial demonstration village was shut down when it came to the organizers attention that most of the "authentic seasonal crafts" were Korean Christmas toys made in Taiwan.

WEDNESDAY: Blame change.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a teller at the bank had no explanation for why her drawer was coming up short, but she had a lot to say about her coworkers, the state of the economy and a couple minority groups, for good measure.

TUESDAY: The young and the ref-less.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a backyard tackle football game took a turn for the worse when players on opposing teams revealed drastically different interpretations of the number of syllables in the word "Mississippi."

MONDAY: A grave mistake.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a glitch in the new iPhone's Apple Maps application being used by a bus driver, led a school bus full of zoo-bound third graders, straight to the local slaughterhouse carcass depository.

SUNDAY: Devilishly delicious.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the monthly church bake sale went exactly as planned, when for the fourth straight month there was not a single appearance by Satan.

SATURDAY: Table panders.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the children were excused early from dinner because they asked politely for the first time, which completely distracted from the fact that they clearly said they were going to drink malt liquor in the woods.

FRIDAY: Peeping a secret.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman found a ton of pornography on her son's computer, but she could not figure out how to clear the search history so he would never know.

THURSDAY: Flute ball.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the band teacher was furious when he entered his classroom to find everyone using their instruments to play hockey with a shoe for a puck, but the principal did get him to admit that using their instruments at all was a step in the right direction.

WEDNESDAY: Clip bored.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa an old man sneered at a girl as he walked down the street, but the fact that she thought he was smiling meant he was in for much more than a minute of hearing about how he could help save the environment.

TUESDAY: This stinks.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the third grade girls banded together to tell the boys that they needed to start wearing deodorant, which they didn't really believe, but felt they needed to establish early on principle.

MONDAY: Just swatch what happens.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a mother sent her son off to school in the clothes she had sewn for him out of all of her fabric scraps, and helped prove that with an ugly enough outfit, even the school's most popular student will get verbally assaulted.

SUNDAY: Neutral territory.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a fender bender was somewhat difficult to explain to the police since both cars were parked at the time of the incident.

SATURDAY: Holy crop.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of kids walked out into a corn field for an afternoon stroll, and while they were pretty sure they ran smack dab into the image of Jesus, it was going to be hard to tell people about it without mentioning all of the LSD in their systems.

FRIDAY: Time to run and hydrate.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man found a bottle of water in the backseat of his car, which seemed innocent enough, except for the fact that his daughter's boyfriend had quite the reputation around town as a fellow who dries out easily.

THURSDAY: A striking gesture.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy threw rocks at a girl's window to be romantic, but he had a hard time explaining his intentions as he drove her to the ER to have the glass shards and pebble fragments removed.

WEDNESDAY: Inner pickle.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man drank half a bottle of vinegar out of the cupboard, which surprised his wife, since he usually drank whole bottles in the garage.

TUESDAY: Treating yourself difficultly.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa it took way more deception and and trickery than expected, for a father to successfully get away with stealing the dessert out of his children's lunches.

MONDAY: Out and a bout.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was pretty sure her husband said he was going out to fistfight the mayor, but her lawyer had insisted she should do her best to remember less.

SUNDAY: Lost in spades.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man taught his eleven-year-old daughter how to play Texas Hold 'Em poker as a way to connect with her, and when she made $3000 online while he was in the bathroom he felt more for her than ever before.

SATURDAY: Pandora's blocks.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a mother let her son open up his toy chest after dinner, and after the six hours of scream-fighting it took to get him to go to bed, she decided she would start using the word "no."

FRIDAY: Nine no one.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the police responded to a disturbance call downtown but the rest of the requests from dispatch seemed way too dangerous to follow up on.

THURSDAY: All wet.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman snuck out to do her laps at the pool and get some alone time, even though it was getting harder and harder to convince her clingy husband that she was using chlorine as perfume now.

WEDNESDAY: A great work habit.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man took a smoking break, but once he get back in the office he made sure to pick up smoking right where he left off.

TUESDAY: Woopsy daisies.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a dog got loose, ate up her neighbor's flower bed and went to the bathroom all over it, although she regretted not doing them in that order.

MONDAY: Water bug.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy had a great time at his swimming lesson, although the rest of the class wished that his having fun didn't involve so much violent kicking.

SUNDAY: Grossing out.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa there was too much trash to take out, but it was also too much to keep in the house, which once again left eating it as the only viable option.

SATURDAY: Off the rails.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy's birthday party was a total train wreck, marking the last time his parents would let him choose a "train wreck" party theme.

FRIDAY: Knight.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa fear set in as the children realized that because of the armor costumes and the pact they all made to stay silent, they had completely forgotten which of them were kids, and which one was the tiny homeless person who had forced his way into the evening's activities.

THURSDAY: Knot in this lifetime.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man experienced a small setback when he wrapped his car around a light pole, and a much larger setback when the rest of the funeral procession wrapped around his car.

WEDNESDAY: Jitter bugs.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the kids were so hyperactive, so disruptive and so engrossed in aggressive intellectual debate, that their History teacher decided to rethink his lesson plan on the boom of British coffeehouses.

TUESDAY: What, where and how?

Today in Dubuque, Iowa there were random extra puzzle pieces in the only classroom puzzle box, which proved to be the most puzzling pieces of all.

MONDAY: Memory laps.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man walked around the block for a couple hours, which was a little trick he used whenever he was having a hard time remembering why he married someone so remarkably shrill.

SUNDAY: A tiny bit.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two kids walked into a bar and were immediately kicked out, making it a very short joke.

SATURDAY: Starting in neutral.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man fell asleep while driving, which was not  a big deal except that it happened on the first hole and the others in the foursome were uncertain whether they should hit or wait for him to wake up and leave the tee box.

FRIDAY: A change of chart.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman cursed repeatedly in a board presentation, but it was her choice of fonts that got her fired.

THURSDAY: A setback in B minor.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the news came in that all the kids who had gone on the band trip to St. Louis were coming back without their instruments, as a result of what the police were calling, "a terrible misunderstanding."

WEDNESDAY: Questions of no competence.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa profound disappointment struck a middle school gym class, when it became clear that all of the dodge balls were deflated, and they would be subjected to another game of what Coach Channing inaccurately referred to as, "trivia." 

TUESDAY: A time for impaction.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a chicken wing eating contest at a sports bar with a $100 prize turned out for the worst, after it became clear that no one minded consuming bones, and some folks had sworn off chewing entirely.

MONDAY: Having a word.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the family confronted dad about his excessive use of puns, forcing him to admit that he was starting to love them more than the family.

SUNDAY: The burden of proof.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the newspaper stand counter broke under the weight of the unsold Sunday editions, which the owner saw as a pretty good sign that it was time to find a new job.

SATURDAY: A novel approach.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man told his wife that he was going to the store to buy another gun for the shed, but truth be told, he really just wanted fifteen minutes alone in the Walmart parking lot with his book.

FRIDAY: Disaster relief.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa most people swore they felt earthquakes at different times throughout the day, which made it quite a relief when the water treatment facility announced that the tap water was causing equilibrium problems again.

THURSDAY: Processing issues.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy's hard drive failed, which made him question why he had let it take his Spanish test for him in the first place.

WEDNESDAY: Punitive damages.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman experienced the excruciating burn from staying on a stairmaster too long, followed by the immediate shame from explaining to everyone in the court why she came back from the lunch hour in a wheelchair.

TUESDAY: Hot money.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the heat got too much to bear for one family, who decided they could not longer afford to keep their home at 97 degrees year-round.

MONDAY: Subsequent curiosities.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young woman wondered if we just spend our entire lives as human beings trying to heal the first emotional wound that cut us to our core, and then she wondered if she should get chicken salad again for lunch.

SUNDAY: Private showings.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the kids snuck down to the basement to watch a scary movie and were disappointed to discover that their parents had already snuck down to watch an Oscar Best Picture nominee.

SATURDAY: Banging the point home.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a neighbor's late night hammering annoyed the whole block, but no one wanted to say anything again, as they were all recovering from unexpected hammer injuries.

FRIDAY: Water boards.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa as the light skipped across its surface, the river looked serene and beautiful, especially to those who couldn't see all of the construction waste and drug paraphernalia that was dumped at the bottom.

THURSDAY: Window dressing.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman convinced everyone at work that the curtain she had draped around her was an exotic style and not the option she chose over waking up early to do laundry.

WEDNESDAY: The politics of education.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a kindergarten teacher started the day holding a democratic discussion with the kids to decide the classroom rules, and she ended the day as an autocratic despot ruling mercilessly over a 400 square foot empire.

TUESDAY: Gopher two.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a backyard football game was interrupted when a number of animals emerged out of the ground, and then cancelled when it became clear the animals would not tolerate having their homes trampled upon anymore.

MONDAY: Happy Labor Day.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a bunch of families from the neighborhood all got together to eat a picnic, play games and remember all the good reasons why they never talk to each other during the rest of the year.

SUNDAY: Fool contact.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa some boys got together for a boys-only tackle football game, which was ruined by the girls who had assembled to beat the shit out of them.

SATURDAY: An odd taste for color.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young boy ate a box of crayons, and his mother was horrified when she found the empty container and saw that they were expired.

FRIDAY: Waft a strange sensation.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa folks could swear they smelled the old, abandoned chocolate factory, but it was just those dead chocolate factory workers' ghosts up to no good.

THURSDAY: Parsing into battle.

Today in Dubuque there was a war of words between kids at recess, which could have escalated to dangerous proportions if only they had the vocabulary.

WEDNESDAY: A box of rain.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy found his father's Phish tapes, which led to a long conversation on when it's okay to use drugs and about what a tape is.

TUESDAY: Don't route the messenger.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the mail was mostly catalogs and circulars, so the carriers cut out the middlemen and just threw everything out.

MONDAY: All wet.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman replaced all of the real plants in the house with fake ones, which was unfortunately followed by her husband remembering for the first time in months to water everything thoroughly.

SUNDAY: Not much toupee.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa an older man got a new rug to cover up his bald spot, but it did not look great considering he was only willing to spring for a small carpet swatch.

SATURDAY: No laughing matter.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy cracked his father over the head with a frying pan, and was surprised that it did not yield the hilarious results that television had promised him it would.

FRIDAY: Sex, drugs and awkward roles.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a father agreed to be in his son's video about the Constitutional Convention for history class, but he did get concerned when he was informed he would be playing "Pimp #7".

THURSDAY: Downward progress.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa everyone around the office park could feel the change in the air, because Jeffrey was chucking pennies off the roof again.

WEDNESDAY: Vino evil.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a local reporter wrote a piece about the benefits of drinking red wine, which was much-appreciated by the town's wino population, which was looking for a little hope.

TUESDAY: Finding a cause.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple teenagers boycotted the grocery store for not replacing plastic bags with a more environmentally friendly option, or as their mother put it, "didn't do the grocery shopping."

MONDAY: Potent spirits.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a few boys found a stash of denatured alcohol, and it was not until some of it spontaneously caught fire that they were convinced it was undrinkable.

SUNDAY: Flying low.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl took her old kite out of the attic and learned just how quickly a happy memory from the past can become a frustrating tangle of string and cloth in the garbage.

SATURDAY: When life does not hand you lemons.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of boys set up a lemonade stand on their lawn, and although they did not actually have any drinks to sell, they were accepting stimulus money.

FRIDAY: A range of heart.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa an eager intern in the mail room declared his love for the desk assistant in shipping, but when she informed him that she had a fiancé, he was so crushed that he declared his love for the operations manager in accounting.

THURSDAY: Straight from the pen.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy gave his tutor a writing assignment that was nothing but chicken scratches, which he vowed would be the last time he let the chickens convince him they could write an essay on the Franco Prussian War.

WEDNESDAY: Empty threats.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy went in search of the monsters that his mother claimed would punish him for not doing his chores, and when he found them, it turned out they could not give less of a shit what he did with his time.

TUESDAY: Circle of strife.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the heat continued to beat down on the wildlife, while the wildlife continued to beat down on the curious children who wandered into the fields.

MONDAY: Ringing up baby.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman thought it would be cute for her newborn to sign her credit card receipt when she was checking out from the grocery store, which led to an awkward confrontation between the two of them over how the child's cursive was coming along.

SUNDAY: Being and nothing less.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man retreated to his children's tree house, where he spent the entire day enjoying the fresh air, reading a good book and ignoring the furious shouts of his bitch wife.

SATURDAY: One's step removed.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa when a small boy told his father that he would have to remove his head, hands and feet entirely to perform experiments on them, the dad decided he was no longer going to allow science-fiction to be one of the genres for their games of make-believe.

FRIDAY: Cool product.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a brand new frozen yogurt shop opened up at the mall, which immediately proved to be a bigger success than the room temperature yogurt shop that preceded it.

THURSDAY: Game on.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a game of pickup basketball got completely out of hand when a new guy at the gym suggested that they stop talking about movies, pick teams and start playing.

WEDNESDAY: No sex, a lie, and no videotape.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman took a fresh new lie out for a spin in the office break room, and was pretty pleased with how many people were impressed by the idea that she had met James Spader at a house party.

TUESDAY: A break in order.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man bit off more than he could chew, and while his boss did not want to pressure him to finish it all, she still didn't want him spitting doughnut chunks on the conference table.

MONDAY: Hard at word.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman had to do a brief writing assignment for work, but after a few hours her boss was concerned she was putting too much thought into an email to let everyone know there would be cake at lunch.

SUNDAY: Give vin it a shot.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple chose to have wine with dinner, and they decided to start doing that all the time, instead of having light beer and Gatorade.

SATURDAY: A rude awakening.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young kid thought for a while about where people go after they die, and then she spent the next six hours playing video games, calling her grandparents and checking out what this whole Bible thing is about.

FRIDAY: Something's calming.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa everyone enjoyed the pleasant smell of lilac and lavender, carrying through the summer air on a cool breeze, that locals knew was the hallmark of an inevitable and cruel lightning tornado.

THURSDAY: Befriending the enemy.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the folks who were protesting against their tax money paying for library employees' benefits, finally gave up when they learned that all the city's branches had free WiFi and you could borrow DVDs.

WEDNESDAY: Giving in.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the Blockbuster Video staff popped some popcorn, opened up the doors and with great success, tested out the theory that they could not give DVDs away.

TUESDAY: Shades of sway.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the way the sun poured into the conference room made it very clear who in the meeting had gotten a spray tan during lunch and who had ignored their manager's suggestion entirely.

MONDAY: The phrase that saves.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a sale on brass tacks at Lowe's allowed people to really get down to the heart of the matter at a great, low price.

SUNDAY: Ready weather you are or not.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the rain proved to be a lovely change of pace from the previous four days of blistering fly storms.

SATURDAY: Not meating standards.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa most barbecues were deemed to be below-standard, in large part due to what will now forever be known as, "The Great Brat, Hot Dog and Potable Water Shortage of 2012."

FRIDAY: Indiscrimination.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa everyone at the McKennie house agreed that now that grandma had passed, they could finally start calling supper, "dinner," a word she loathed on the grounds that it was too "ethnic."

THURSDAY: Not giving a cluck.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa ten free range, organic chickens had the unfortunate experience of sharing a farm truck flatbed with fifty common, penned-in hens, and after ten minutes of labor stories they wanted to peck their ears out.

WEDNESDAY: It's the notes you don't hear that matter.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa most of the radio stations played static all day, but they were pretty much stuck, since that's all that anyone ever called to request.

TUESDAY: A case of the fun-days.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa some adults were acting like children around the office, which created a joyful work environment all day, until a couple of guys from accounting insisted that in addition to laughing and skipping, children do tequila shots and break copier equipment.

MONDAY: Dessert of champions.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman picked up a milkshake to drink in the car on her way to work, because she thought she deserved a treat but figured it was time to start mixing the straight whiskey.

SUNDAY: Ringing out the weekend.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa there was absolutely no cause for alarm, but that didn't stop those bitch McCallen twins from pulling every single one they could find.

SATURDAY: Slumber partly.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa tons of people slept in, but there were more that slept out.

FRIDAY: Seeing red.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the stoplights all got stuck on red for a few hours which led to an abnormally high number of right turns and moral dilemmas.

THURSDAY: Pitching an egg.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa not a single person ate an egg salad sandwich, which was the first time that had ever happened in city history ever since the famous marketing campaign from the '40s, "Egg Salad: Have a little breakfast in your lunch."

WEDNESDAY: Wrist averse.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the boss showed up to the morning meeting with friendship bracelets for everyone that his daughter sent from camp, and by early afternoon the HR department was in full disaster control mode.

TUESDAY: The I of the storm.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man saw a fiery storm brewing, which made him think he should stop trying to brew beer at home.