TUESDAY: A bum meal.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman treated herself to lunch away from the office, although she found that her leftovers tasted the same in the parking lot.

MONDAY: Gunning some errands.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two armed assailants entered a bank, waited in line, had a nice chat with the teller while they got a print-out of their recent account activities, and then went and robbed the shit out of a liquor store.

SUNDAY: Bazaar relationships.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was excited about making some new friends at the flea market, until he got them home and realized that they were all dirty, broke and didn't go with anything in the house.

SATURDAY: Throwing a fitness.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young man argued to his mother that he did not need to exercise, because he was burning plenty of calories through a strict regiment of guilt and anxiety.

FRIDAY: Slinging that cane.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl brought some little bits of candy to school for the other kids, because once they got the first taste for free they were sure to shell out big for more.

THURSDAY: Where there's smoke, there's flavor.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was given a cup of diner coffee that was so bad he used it as an ashtray, which thankfully, improved the taste quite a bit.

WEDNESDAY: Matters of the heart.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a snack took an unfortunate turn when a few chips turned into a couple of cheeseburgers and a milkshake.

TUESDAY: Measuring their patience.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of guys at work took an extra long coffee break, or as their annoying receptionist referred to it, a "venti."

MONDAY: Nomad, but no thrilled.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boss told an offensive joke at work, and while everyone in the room laughed, they  could not help but wonder how he built up such an arsenal of "gypsy" material.

SUNDAY: For the love of the game.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman snuck down to the basement so she cold secretly watch football without having to tolerate her screaming husband rooting for one of the teams to win.

SATURDAY: Salad daze.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of old college buddies got together to reminisce about their glory days, which coincidentally, were also their drunk and experimental days.

FRIDAY: Public access.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went out and got his first library card, which finally gave him something to use to fight off the homeless people trying to take the computer from him.

THURSDAY: Chinese check hers.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a father got a little too adventurous with the take out order, which meant that once again he had to explain to his children, a whole bunch of racial things that Grandpa yelled.

WEDNESDAY: Color him red.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man did not want his coworker to know that he had the hots for her, but openly insulting her race in front of the executive board was probably overdoing it.

TUESDAY: Breaking news.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl fell down in front of everyone in the school hallway, but luckily she did not have to describe the experience to her parents, since they had already read about the incident on the principal's blog.

MONDAY: The son will come out, tomorrow.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy did his best to let his parents know that he was gay, but it was pretty hard on account of all of their Monday morning ignoring.

SUNDAY: A surprise witness.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a kid was pretty disappointed that the five minutes of church he actually listened to, made way more sense than what his grandmother screams at him from her porch.

SATURDAY: Stopping on a dime.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man saw a dime on the street and did not bend down to pick it up for fear that the other men with him would think he was cheap.

FRIDAY: What a wasted of time.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went to have a drink at Happy Hour, which he was disappointed to find was just as sad and lonely as the other hours, only it ran from 4 to 7.

THURSDAY: A horse of a different cutter.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two women silently competed against one another, wanting to see who picked the faster grocery store check-out line, while meanwhile, a woman in front of them in another line was thinking about how badly she was kicking both of their asses.

WEDNESDAY: A crummy affair.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man and a woman met at a seedy motel to have an affair, and enjoyed the eating in bed just as much as the awkward lovemaking.

TUESDAY: A pain in the wallet.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa an irritated man bought  a box of balm from the pharmacy, and when he figured out that he had accidentally been charged double, he became absolutely inflamed.

MONDAY: Dawn of the dread.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman started her week off right with an early morning trip to the gym, where she could sleep in peace in the locker room without her kids pestering her for breakfast.

SUNDAY: Fit to primp.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a guy picked up a copy of the New York Times at Starbucks, and he made sure that everyone in his wife's family who thought he was an idiot, got a good look at him holding it before he threw it away.

SATURDAY: A fool's ransom.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a dad won a few hundred bucks betting on NFL football, which was fortunate, because he had no other way of rustling up enough money to get his kid back.

FRIDAY: Unhappy ending.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man snuck into his favorite spot in the library to read, and unfortunately discovered that it was someone else's favorite spot to drink a bunch of malt liquor and throw up.

THURSDAY: A break-up in communication.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man could see the writing on the wall at work, which was not that difficult since his boss had written it next to his desk in bright red marker.

WEDNESDAY: Foul play.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl broke her foot when she tripped on the court, but she broke a few other people's feet when they still tried to come and get the basketball from her.

TUESDAY: A caucus on both your houses.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa thousands of excited voters headed out to show their fervent support for one of the GOP presidential candidates, while a few million stayed at home to show their utter disdain for all of them.

MONDAY: If at first you don't deceive, try, try again.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man got up very early in the morning to go sleep in his car in the Walmart parking lot, as part of his New Year's resolution to convince his wife he was going to the gym.

SUNDAY: Happy New Year.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a group of boys got together for their annual New Year's Day tackle football game, or as the police referred to it, underage drinking in a field.

SATURDAY: Should old acquaintance be forgot?

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man surveyed all of the options for his first kiss at midnight, but just like usual, his wife made the decision for him.

FRIDAY: Full record press.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man got a slew of prerecorded phone calls from presidential candidates, but luckily he had already prepared his prerecorded responses.

THURSDAY: Take it and leave it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a teenage girl left her purse at the mall, which was a bummer for her but good news for all the people who could go and get their wallets back.

WEDNESDAY: Getting in the game.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a few young boys were up to no good down in the basement, where they were attempting to set up a lab to cook high-grade methamphetamine, but no matter how long they worked, everything still jut looked like card tables and Play-Doh.

TUESDAY: Bad sax.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman called up her ex-boyfriend to see what he was up to, if he was still single, and most importantly, to find out if he was over his smooth jazz phase.

MONDAY: A holiday delivery.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man spent a while with his wife, playing with his new Christmas present, but he had to admit that by the afternoon he was pretty sick of that baby.

SUNDAY: Merry Christmas.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a brother and a sister got very competitive about how quickly they could open all of their presents, and learned a very valuable lesson about how easy it is to ruin Christmas.

SATURDAY: Ginning up.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a party host saw a neighbor pour half a drink back into the punch bowl after sipping from it, and frankly, she was looking forward to telling people about it.

FRIDAY: On the hot lap.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of kids went to the mall to ask Santa Claus a few questions, and knew the only way to get answers out of the fat bastard was to whip out the old nice kid/naughty kid routine.

THURSDAY: Finders keepers.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman found a mysterious container of food in the freezer, and decided that the only way to test it out was to give it to the mysterious kid she had found in her garage.

WEDNESDAY: Trapped in the kitchen.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man got roped into helping his family make cookies all day and did a pretty good job, although it was hard to get the icing on evenly because of all the rope.

TUESDAY: Happy Hanukkah.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of kids had to explain what a menorah was to their friends, who admitted they thought it was pretty greedy of those Jews to want enough oil to burn for eight days in the first place.

MONDAY: A frosty reception.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl dropped a lot of hints to her parents about what she wanted for Christmas, and her parents demanded that she go around and pick up everything she was dropping.

SUNDAY: Tech it back.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman bought a few CDs from a late-night TV infomercial, which really made her regret having sold her CD player so she could buy the television.

SATURDAY: On and ennui go.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the amount of chores to be done was pretty overwhelming, which posed a problem for the teenager who had to do them since she had been going pretty hard for an underwhelmed vibe.

FRIDAY: An unholy spirit.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a group of friends took a night off from drinking, but that didn't mean vodka was going to take a night off from getting into their bodies.

THURSDAY: Keeping it at a low simmer.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman made her husband a nice dinner, which came as a surprise to him, since most of her meals were raging bitches.

WEDNESDAY: Over the moon.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a cloud of vapors simply could not contain itself.

TUESDAY: Fighting the demons.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a teenage boy found some cigarettes and a bottle of bourbon in his closet and knew that the monster that lived there must be going through some hard times too.

MONDAY: Whether or not.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa, everyone expected a downpour of rain outside, but no one expected that a boy and his friends would stop at nothing to try to prevent it.

SUNDAY: Repast tense.

Today in Dubuque Iowa a family enjoyed a delicious dinner together in total silence, which was the only way to make sure that none of the kids said something inane to ruin the mood.

SATURDAY: Bloodsports.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the soccer moms got together with the football moms and agreed that next year there needed to be a lot fewer stabbings between the two groups.

FRIDAY: Earning at home.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl hung up some new posters in her room, but was livid when she found out that she would receive nothing for product placement.

THURSDAY: Doing the old routine.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a birthday clown discovered that his make-up was empty right before a charity event, and decided that even though his only alternative was to have kids see his face dripping with mayonnaise, that was better than their seeing his facial scars.

WEDNESDAY: Airing it out.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of kids broke their personal records for holding their breath, and prayed those bullies and those toilets would never give them a chance to set another one.

TUESDAY: Two strikes.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the dumbest kid in class said something really stupid, and just like that, he also become known as predictable.

MONDAY: A weekly recurrence.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young man shuffled into work with another case of the Mondays, which his cubicle-mate, again explained, was a herpes outbreak.

SUNDAY: Blister act.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a priest regaled the crowds after church by explaining how he had healed a man's woeful suffering, while the man was off explaining how he had received a Band-Aid and put it on his own foot.

SATURDAY: Caught up.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was happy to finally catch up with an old friend, because that bitch was only going to get so far with her money.

FRIDAY: Your daily bread.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy got his allowance and decided to immediately return it to his parents, as an act of thanks for their love and support, and to help cover up nicking fivers from his mom's purse every day before school.

THURSDAY: Change is gonna crumbs.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman bought her husband a DustBuster as a not-so-subtle hint that he needed to clean up after himself, and he returned it to the store two counties over as a time-intensive way to ignore her.

WEDNESDAY: Drain alcohol.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman finished off the last of her bathtub gin, which meant it was time to move on to her sink vodka or the couch tequila.

TUESDAY: Tough conditions.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young man could not find his shoes, which meant that even if he had a shirt, he still would not be able to get service.

MONDAY: A display of inspection.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman checked herself out in a store window as she passed on the street, and was horrified to discover that she looked like a headless mannequin.

SUNDAY: Growing stains.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young boy stole his dad's favorite t-shirt to wear in a touch football game, which made it pretty hard for his father to be sympathetic when he brought it back later covered in tears.

SATURDAY: Simmer gown now.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl was not so mad at her friend that she bailed on going to the dance with her, but she was mad enough to steal her clothes in the bathroom while she was changing and light them on fire on the dance floor.

FRIDAY: Left olders.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man's birthday was once again significantly overshadowed by day-old food and family drama.

THURSDAY: Happy Thanksgiving.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman got the turkey in the oven at exactly the right time, and dinner would have been even better if she had remembered turned it on.

WEDNESDAY: Just in the nip of time.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman loaded up on wine at the liquor store, freeing her to do other stuff on the way home, since she wouldn't need that time to get loaded while driving.

TUESDAY: Rocking gout.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man's doctor told him he needed to eat less meat in his diet, which luckily still left many hours in the day to eat meat outside of his regular diet.

MONDAY: Branding together.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a group of workers went on strike to protest their restaurant's new logo, which, for a group of letters, sure looked an awful lot like a group of restaurant employees fighting for bread crumbs while being whipped into submission.

SUNDAY: Live and let cry.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a small child threw a tantrum in the middle of the church basement and all of the adults thought this would be the perfect time for God to show a little compassion and shut him up.

SATURDAY: Order in the sport.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa some kids played a game that they made up, but the adults were furious that it didn't have any rules, so they ended it immediately.

FRIDAY: Tuning out.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple tried to find the right music to set the mood, but jazz made them feel confused, classical made them feel stuffy, R&B made them feel creepy, country made them feel depressed and classic rock made them feel old, so they finally settled on commercial jingles, felt great and called it a night.

THURSDAY: Academic networking.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young girl made a brand new friend during school, which made her think that she should spend all of her recesses in the library on Facebook.

WEDNESDAY: Room for an opinion.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a mother wanted her sons to move the furniture around while she rearranged things for the holiday season, but their desire not to was significantly stronger.

TUESDAY: Jumping over bore.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man ended  his team meeting after one of his employees made it abundantly clear that her entire presentation was on the importance of the staff camping out together for the new Twilight movie.

MONDAY: Gross exaggeration.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy wanted to impress some girls at school by showing them how tough he was, but by third period the cut he gave himself had not scarred over and his Ralph Lauren suit was ruined.

SUNDAY: A broken gnome.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy took out his anger on the family's lawn ornaments, but they had finally had it with him and moved to their sister's place in the garden once and for all.

SATURDAY: Turning the stables on him.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman wanted to play a trick on her horse by saying they were going for a long trip and then riding him to the fruit stand for apples, which worked out well with the horse's plan to not to pay attention to her at all and just go find apples.

FRIDAY: A steal of a deal.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went out to pick up a pizza, but over the course of the entire night, no one dropped one nearby.

THURSDAY: Never judge a brook by its clover.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of boys thought the creek was completely frozen because the grass they threw on it did not sink, but after telling a few of their friends to get their ice skates, they started to doubt if they had done as thorough an investigation as they could have.

WEDNESDAY: Decreasing the surplus circulation.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man cancelled all of his magazine subscriptions after realizing that he had seriously overestimated the number of subscriptions that one person needs to TV Guide.

TUESDAY: Baby love.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy met a girl, and while they both fell madly in love right away, they knew that the wedding would have to wait until they graduated from kindergarten.

MONDAY: Jacked rabbit.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman thought about going to save her garden from the various animals that were eating in it, but she did not feel like losing another bizarre fistfight.

SUNDAY: A total piece of craft.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy made a brand new end table for his parents, which they saw and immediately thought was the perfect thing to throw out and never mention again.

SATURDAY: A matter of taste.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man invented another amazing sandwich that his family loved, but none of the local restaurants thought it was worth the quarter-million dollars he was demanding for the recipe.

FRIDAY: No more mister vice guy.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man took control of his life by giving up the drugs, throwing away the booze and completely burning all of the 18th century British literature.

THURSDAY: Not playing nice.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl gave a play gun to her teddy bear and a play gun to her American Girl Doll, because she was tired of stepping in and mediating.

WEDNESDAY: Game of throws.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa everyone in the office got really into a game of dodgeball in the conference room, which infuriated the boss, who was still crammed into the boiler room from the old game of Hide and Seek.

TUESDAY: Dual exhaust.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man and his arch-nemesis had to give it a rest, because messing with another employee in the Home Depot where you work can actually get you in a ton of trouble.

MONDAY: Happy Halloween.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a little girl demanded that she be allowed to wear her princess outfit to school, which her parents did not think was a great idea considering she had already demanded that she wear it in the shower.

SUNDAY: Post or boy.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a kid stood outside in the field all day looking for birds migrating south, and little did he knew that all of the birds were looking for something to aim at while they shit in the sky.

SATURDAY: In morning.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man enjoyed the newspaper, a coffee and some company, but he did not enjoy the news, the heartburn or the apologies.

FRIDAY: Passing time.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman sat down with all of her old friends for a cup of tea, because all of her young friends were busy doing more interesting stuff.

THURSDAY: James and the giant breach.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy did not know what was worse, the fact that someone had eaten his lunch, or the fact that he didn't know which of his parents had done it.

WEDNESDAY: Getting in gear.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl put on make-up in the car, which wouldn't have distracted her from driving if the dog she was putting it on wasn't such a fidgety bitch.

TUESDAY: Chums what may.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went out drinking with his friends, which made his buddies jealous and pals absolutely furious.

MONDAY: Making the roast of it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy experimented with making dinner for the first time since the rest of the family was not home yet, which involved putting everything he could find in a hot oven, figuring that all of that heat would get those cans to open up eventually.

SUNDAY: Choice cuts.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two parents told their children that they wanted them to have the freedom to do anything they wanted in life, and yet it would be way more affordable if they stopped playing sports or needing books.

SATURDAY: Gray matters.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was going to head out to the neighborhood gathering, but when the clouds rolled in she became afraid that she would not seem as likeable without proper lighting.

FRIDAY: Innuendoing it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy made out with his girlfriend in her basement, which all of his friends assumed meant that he was kissing her ass.

THURSDAY: A vicious cycle.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman had to clean up some blood off the carpet from when the cats had scratched her, which made her late for work, forcing her to put in extra hours, which meant she would not be home to feed the cats on time, which was definitely going to make them angry.

WEDNESDAY: Brain powder.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman got another really bad headache and wondered if it was from the crushing stress of her overbearing family, the intense pressure of her executive position or her complete inability to go five minutes without putting cocaine in her face.

TUESDAY: A class act.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the kids wanted to believe that their teacher was competent, but it was pretty difficult to keep track of the lessons in between all of the cigarette breaks, crying fits and drunk texting.

MONDAY: Worst thing's first.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man's boss started out the day by telling him he was fired, which really took the sting off of telling him later that he was not getting the raise he asked for.

SUNDAY: Today's special.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a waiter got tired of suggesting his favorite dishes to people, and instead just started suggesting that everyone be more decisive in their own lives.

SATURDAY: Winner date.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman would have liked to hear more about the man she was on her date with, but there wasn't any time given all the talking she was dying to do about herself.

FRIDAY: Randy apples.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy was embarrassed when he accidentally groped his friend's mom while making Halloween treats, and he wasn't quite sure he was ready to explain that he was actually trying to grope his friend's dad.

THURSDAY: Set it and forget it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young boy put his clothes right in the dryer when he got home, although he was not sure how long to run it for because there was no setting for "horse blood."

WEDNESDAY: Raising plain.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman noticed that her daughter was pretty boring to talk to, but she felt personally responsible about the fact that she was pretty boring to look at.

TUESDAY: Change hearse.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was embarrassed when an entire funeral procession stopped for him, but he was pretty stoked that he got his quarter off the road where he had dropped it.

MONDAY: Pay date

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a little boy got together with his friend to play video games, browse the Internet and eat snacks, which was the perfect cover for beating the crap out of him and collecting on his weekend's football bets.

SUNDAY: An unfortunate reality.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a couple of kids sat on the couch all day watching reality television, and even though they knew drinking at their age was wrong, it apparently would make their lives a lot more watchable.

SATURDAY: Matters of the chart.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man and a woman had no choice but to meet to plan their work presentation, but the jazz records and wine were voluntary.

FRIDAY: There is no "we" in team.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man made his wife upset by spending all night working on his fantasy football team, but he assured her that it would only be fifty-one more weeks until their next anniversary.

THURSDAY: Epic ail.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman got a bad case of the hiccups, which proved to be a nice distraction from her head cold, broken foot and violent stomach cramps.

WEDNESDAY: Self-directed rearing.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was told by his son's Montessori school teacher that he should not spank his child, and instead, it would be better if he allowed the boy to spank himself.

TUESDAY: Flight risk.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a family bought a few buckets of fried chicken and headed out to the woods for a relaxing afternoon, taunting the birds by eating their kinfolk in front of them.

MONDAY: On and running.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman woke up before dawn to get a jump on her week, which started with a four-hour nap in the shower.

SUNDAY: Keeping the kids in view.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man had a great time watching over his kids, and wished they would always spend the day playing underneath the television.

SATURDAY: Keeping up with the bones.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a dog came back from the park, where he had seen what all the other pooches were chewing, and no longer had any interest in the cheap rope knots and rubber knickknacks his owners tried to pass off as "nice toys."

FRIDAY: Full stop.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man had a massive heart attack while in the middle of writing a letter, which came as a total shock to his family, because he was always talking about how stupid he thought letters were.

THURSDAY: Club booking.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was surprised that so many of her co-workers wanted to sign up for her book club, which made her wonder what other things they would do for money.

WEDNESDAY: Bungle gym.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a physical education teacher accidentally fell asleep while counting laps for the kids running the mile, or in this case, three regular miles and five additional miles of crying and vomiting.

TUESDAY: Keep your odor running.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man noticed an unfamiliar smell inside of his car, and made a number of comments about it before his date revealed that it was perfume.

MONDAY: Tank account.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a teacher added another few fish to the classroom tank, after deciding that it was much easier to keep buying new ones than it would be to explain her compulsive habit of flinging them to birds in moments of frustration.

SUNDAY: Spelling it like it is.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was offended that her name tag for the church potluck was misspelled, and could not help but think they did it on purpose instead of writing out, "Mrs. Hope Satanfucker."

SATURDAY: Trouble dutch.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa some girls played jump rope in the driveway, but still could not jump high enough to avoid the rabid squirrel stampede.

FRIDAY: Panned cake.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa none of the kids liked the dessert that their father had made, and while they didn't have the heart to tell him, they did have the heart to throw it on the floor and storm out of the room.

THURSDAY: In the shrill of the night.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman slept over at her new boyfriend's house for the first time, and while his place could not have been more comfortable, his thrashing fits and "night shrieks" would take some getting used to.

WEDNESDAY: A hands-off approach..

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a baby took another crack at solid foods, and while he enjoyed them, he could not help but think they'd be even better coming out of a boob.

TUESDAY: Penned up aggression.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two boys wrote all over the bathroom walls with Sharpies, and while the principal was upset at their transgression he could not deny that their prose was breathtaking.

MONDAY: No high praise.

Today in Dubuqu, Iowa a woman refilled the coffee pot at work, but everyone really just wished she would bring some different flavors of pot altogether.

SUNDAY: The silver's screen.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went to see a matinee movie, and while the cheaper ticket was nice, the drone of the elderly trying to keep breathing put him in a pretty dark place.

SATURDAY: Feeling the glove.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy was happy that his parents came to watch his baseball game, he just wished they didn't insist on sitting in the outfield with him.

FRIDAY: No news.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man picked up a copy of USA Today, and immediately put down that copy of USA Today.

THURSDAY: Don't sweet it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman banned desserts from the house in an attempt to get her family into shape, although it was really the dead sprints back and forth from the convenience store to get candy bars that helped them burn off calories.

WEDNESDAY: Drive-out movies.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl asked her parents for permission to go to the movies with her friends, she just didn't say in what state.

TUESDAY: Everything is in working order.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman went to the doctor for a routine checkup and was pleased to learn that all of her routines were healthy.

MONDAY: A call to farms.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two neighbors had a dispute over where one's property ended and the other's began, which could only be settled through bickering, sabotage and centuries of massive inter-family bloodshed, or, a brief stop to the town records clerk.

SUNDAY: When the going gets rough, the rough get towing.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a few of the guys got their truck stuck in the mud, which meant it was going to be harder to get back in time for the family reunion, but easier to get through all of the drugs and booze they brought with them.

SATURDAY: Charting a new horse.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a father went out for a ride in the woods with his son, and came back with someone else's.

FRIDAY: Bed of the class.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl decided to sleep in and take the day off, but her teachers would have preferred she not come to school to do it.

THURSDAY: Brewing trouble.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a small mix-up over the cost of a cup of coffee, led to a larger mix-up over who was going to pay for a shattered café window.

WEDNESDAY: Putting in a full day.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went to the bar to have a couple of drinks after work, and to close out his tab from the drinks he had before and during work.

TUESDAY: Baiting the obvious.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man wrote another twenty pages of his mystery novel, which, despite his best effort, was proving to be neither mysterious nor novel.

MONDAY: Happy Labor Day.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa everyone showed up expecting a pool party, which made it a bit hard to swallow when they realized it was more of a "hole in the ground full of muddy water" party.

SUNDAY: The thrill of the chaste.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young woman decided it would be better if she and her boyfriend waited until marriage to have any kind of sexual contact, or as her gun-toting father put it, contact.

SATURDAY: Cashing out.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a bank shut down for a couple hours when the only teller had an existential crisis and attempted to withdraw from himself.

FRIDAY: Wearing on her.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young boy went shopping with his mom for back-to-school clothes, and had a terrib;e time finding something she could be seen wearing out.

THURSDAY: Live and churn.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman wanted to get back to old-fashioned cooking methods that her great-grandmother once used, but she could not figure out which setting on the microwave that was.

WEDNESDAY: Mixed messages.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the girls were wondering what the boys were saying about them, and the boys were standing in a circle trying to spit on a frog.

TUESDAY: You don't saying.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man got up early to see the birds catching worms, but instead found them stumbling around in the trees over his house, chirp mumbling to themselves and shitting on his car.

MONDAY: Taking the read.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man felt a huge sense of accomplishment after he read an entire book, so much so in fact that he left the room for a celebratory beer before his daughter could read it to him.

SUNDAY: Reap what you owe.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man made breakfast for his whole family and wrote them a song to sing while they ate it, but that didn’t change the fact that they still wanted his overdue child support payments.

SATURDAY: Staycation.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman booked a flight, reserved a car and contacted all of her friends, and would have a great time on her trip if she could just figure out how to get out of jail.

FRIDAY: Morning jolt.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man would have been thrilled about getting a hot cup of coffee, if he had not have gotten it flung out of someone else's cup right into his face mid-pickup line.

THURSDAY: Junk, food.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman bought a pastry at the coffee shop, but the ones that were just strewn on the street out front were still awful tempting.

WEDNESDAY: Wash and learn.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman picked up her clothes at the dry cleaners and totally got taken to the cleaners, although she chose a different metaphor when telling the story to other people to avoid the redundancy.

TUESDAY: Wipe for criticism.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman ran out of toilet paper, which made for a very awkward situation when she had to call to her boyfriend for help right in the middle of trashing her neighbor's house.

MONDAY: The truth hurts.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young man had to break the news to his parents about their car, although given what happened, he felt it would be more appropriate to speed, smash and mangle the news.

SUNDAY: 3DVR

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman got bored at the movies, but no matter how much she insisted they refused to fast forward for her.

SATURDAY: Scraping a message.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy skinned his knee, but it was only because his other knee was acting up and he wanted to make it clear what he was capable of.

FRIDAY: Self-service.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man could not decide what he wanted to buy at the liquor store, so he just spent most of the evening sipping different samples from every section and avoiding the police.

THURSDAY: A common problem.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl got another massive pile of junk mail, which only reminded her how much she hated her parents for naming her, "Resident."

WEDNESDAY: New and improved.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man ran into his ex-wife's new boyfriend at Starbucks, and after talking to him for a few minutes had to admit that he liked him a lot more than himself too.

TUESDAY: Losing control.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a little boy could absolutely not hold it in any longer, so he made his mom pull over on the highway and told her how poorly she had been matching patterns in her outfits recently.

MONDAY: Mail bonding.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was feeling nostalgic for the days of letters and missives, so instead of just sitting at home and emailing all of her friends and family she went down to the post office and sat in the parking lot to email all of her friends and family.

SUNDAY: Hopeless romanticism.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a guy just wished that a girl liked him as much as he liked her, but it was proving difficult to let her know how he felt since he was in the Midwest and she was a literary character.

SATURDAY: Needing a line.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man hung out at home waiting for the phone to ring, but it appeared that no one was taking his cries for help on Twitter very seriously.

FRIDAY: Sweet truth.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl ate all of her candy and got sick to her stomach, but she wasn't sure if her belly ache was from all of the sugar or because she had found all of the candy in the street.

THURSDAY: Willing and able.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man didn't technically need to use a wheelchair, but he just liked the feel of it a lot more than using a regular shopping cart.

WEDNESDAY: Chewing the fat.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man got a great workout in during lunch, although the other people in the Wendy's found it a bit disturbing.

TUESDAY: A critical point.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man could not care less about bagel day at work, although that was in large part due to the fact that everyone hid it from him because he was always so negative.

MONDAY: Never a rest.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a little girl actually did feel like taking a nap, but she felt like screaming in defiance just a little bit more.

SUNDAY: A loyal flush.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young man once again cleaned up at the weekly poker game, which hopefully meant that next week they would actually let him play.

SATURDAY: Everybody wins.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy had a great day playing Little League baseball, but not nearly as good a day as his degenerate uncle had betting against the opposing coach.

FRIDAY: Matters of the chart.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a scientist fell deeply in love with his research aide, but he had no idea how to express it since he didn't speak "computer software."

THURSDAY: Bad taste.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman bit off a lot more than she could chew while hosting a dinner party, although she wasn't sure she could even chew a small piece of human leg.

WEDNESDAY: Unreal devotion.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy had a huge crush on a girl, but he knew it would be hard to let her know, especially since she was not only on TV but was also a fictional character.

TUESDAY: Jump and java.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man spilled hot coffee all over himself in a meeting, but no one appeared to be as impressed with his ability to tolerate pain as he was trying to demonstrate as part of the presentation.

MONDAY: A little dash of time.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman could not believe the day went by so fast, so she set the clocks back a few hours and decided to just ride it out until one of her kids missed something important.

SUNDAY: A load of craft.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a merchant at the craft fair tried to convince people that all of his materials were recycled, which proved to not be the best marketing strategy for his falafel pockets.

SATURDAY: The pods on favorite.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a baby was fed up with non-solid food, but the dentures he fashioned out of pennies weren't fooling anybody.

FRIDAY: Breaking up is hard to food.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man had to cancel a dinner reservation, and after deciding that he didn't have the stomach to call the restaurant about it, he walked on down to tell them in person, which ended up feeling infinitely worse.

THURSDAY: And soap it goes.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the kids gathered around for another one of grandpa's stories, but momma had to break the news that his daytime stories had been canceled and from now on grandpa would be giving health tips and interviewing celebrities.

WEDNESDAY: Let's see weather you remember.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa the threat of snow immediately caused panic among all those who were listening to the local news, until they realized that it was July and that the weatherman was reading six-month-old scripts again.

TUESDAY: God is in the retail.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman tried to return a t-shirt because she said it was possessed by Satan and had caused her to do horrible things, but to the guy at the customer service desk it just looked like she had spilled coffee and blue cheese dressing all over it.

MONDAY: Catching wind of a problem.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl made a big stink about not getting to eat at the restaurant she wanted, and a number of smaller stinks due to some severe, undiagnosed digestive issues.

SUNDAY: Double play.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man took his family to a baseball game, and although it was far more expensive than he thought it would be, he also managed to have far less fun than he assumed he would.

SATURDAY: Off-balance.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman had trouble balancing her checkbook, but she hunkered down and proved the old saying, "When the going gets tough, throw the going in the trash and cry in the shower."

FRIDAY: Dancing in the bark.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man found his kids at a party in the woods, and while he was angry they had lied to him about where they were going, he was excited to finally have a reason to grill them like Guantanamo detainees any time they left the house.

THURSDAY: Bumping to conclusions.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man new that something must have knocked his bookcase over, but it wasn't until he remembered that he had done it himself, that he figured out just exactly what.

WEDNESDAY: Plane and simple.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went to the airport to pick up a friend, and was disappointed to discover that their rates were the same there as everywhere else.

TUESDAY: Call of the mild.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman asked to get the extra-spicy salsa on the side, as well as the chicken, rice and beans, also on the side, because really she just wanted a clean plate to do other stuff with.

MONDAY: Going down with the dip.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was happy that everyone at work devoured his guacamole, but disappointed that someone ate the resignation note he had placed at the bottom.

SUNDAY: This, that and the brother.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa two parents left one of their sons at a gas station, and although he was their favorite, he was the only collateral they had until they could find their other kid.

SATURDAY: A chip off the old chalk.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman snuck into her empty summer school classroom, so she could put all the different things in her mouth that she wanted to during the week, without the judgmental students there to make fun of her again.

FRIDAY: Banging the rum.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man woke up and started pounding daiquiris, and it wasn't until he drunk dialed his boss that he realized it was not, in fact, Saturday.

THURSDAY: More of the lame.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman broke up the monotony of the day by switching from FM to AM radio, and what she lost in popular culture references and call-in contests, she more than made up for in Christian ideology and Mexican accordion.

WEDNESDAY: Not on the agenda.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man started a meeting by letting everyone know how nervous he was, and ended the meeting a few minutes later with a violent, uncontrollable bowel movement.

TUESDAY: At ease behind the wheel.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa an elderly woman slept in her car for a little while, because even though she could have just gone home for a nap, the gentle rolling motion helped her relax.

MONDAY: A bang-up job.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a guy made the mistake of telling his boss he was late because he got into a minor car accident on the way to work, because now everyone was going to expect him to show up pretty soon with a car.

SUNDAY: Making the toast of it.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man backed himself into a corner after he insisted that the old loaf of bread was fine, sending his kids back to use it before they could tell him about the raccoon babies that now claimed it as their own.

SATURDAY: See no evil.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman spent the morning using her new, industrial strength, no-streak surface cleaner and her kids spent the afternoon running face-first into their glass sliding doors.

FRIDAY: Gotta keep it real.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was disappointed when his doctor told him he could no longer have non-dairy creamer in his coffee, because, as it turned out, he was allergic to non-dairy.

THURSDAY: Lying blind.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy blamed the mess in his room on his imaginary friend, who, not wanting to ever be a scapegoat, beat the shit out of him later.

WEDNESDAY: Master of the souse.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young man got trashed on cheap beer in the afternoon, walked straight home, did some summer school homework, cleaned his room, took a nap and woke up completely regretting everything.

TUESDAY: Down and gout.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man's doctor told him he had to eat less red meat, which was going to be hard considering that everything he currently had in the house was "steak-wrapped."

MONDAY: Happy 4th of July.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa no one could find a spare tank of propane, so when the grills dried up everyone suddenly wanted to be friends with the one guy in town who only cooked with M-80s.

SUNDAY: Sundae, bloody sundae.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa all the kids were so excited to have delicious, cold ice cream on a hot day that they didn't mind the fact that their friend wouldn't say where he got it, or why the carton was stained with crimson streaks.

SATURDAY: On a wing and a dare.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a little girl was pretty sure that the feather she found did not have any disease or small bugs on it, but she would find out for certain by putting it in her brother's mouth while he was sleeping.

FRIDAY: A sharp observation.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man told his son to watch out for rusty nails while he was walking near the new construction, because they could really use those suckers if he spotted any.

THURSDAY: Taking it to the pleats.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman wanted a perfectly ironed pair of pants, but what she got was a completely wasted afternoon.

WEDNESDAY: Bag company.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl went on a big shopping trip to make herself feel better, but all the pants and shoes in the world couldn't change the fact that she just wasn't getting that arm back.

TUESDAY: Father knows mess.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man once again fell on hard times, which infuriated him because he kept telling his kids not to leave those hard times in the middle of the floor where everyone could trip over them.

MONDAY: What an idiom.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a girl made her bed, then she lay in it, and frankly no part of the process sounded as bad as her mother had made it out to be.

SUNDAY: Clucked.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man and his daughters agreed that it would be best if mom cooked, mom decided that it would be best if Kentucky Fried Chicken cooked, and KFC decided it would be best to make up excuses until the E. coli breakout was in order.

SATURDAY: A beautiful mourning.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a family did not want to be insensitive, but given what a nice day it was they were pretty certain grandpa would have wanted the wake outside too.

FRIDAY: Pasta ballad.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman sang at the top of her lungs while making dinner, which helped mask the sound of shrieking chicken quite well.

THURSDAY: Where there's an ill there's no way.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was thrilled to wake up with a cough, a fever, a sinus infection and three great excuses just in case anyone asked him to do anything.

WEDNESDAY: A family of errors.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy got in trouble with his mother for eating cookies out of a package on the shelf in the grocery store, because he completely blew her cover as she was pocketing lemons.

TUESDAY: Always be clothing.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young boy's insistence that he be naked made it difficult for the family therapist to avoid a potentially illegal situation.

MONDAY: Nothing to beard but beard itself.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man showed up to the office with a thick, full beard, which was very intimidating to all of the guys who couldn't see the tape and glue even when they got up close.

SUNDAY: Happy Father's Day.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was so excited to get breakfast in bed and presents from his whole family that he completely forgot to call his mistress like he had promised.

SATURDAY: Just stressing around.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman decided to take a day off from being around her family to hang out with her unmarried friends, driving them around, hearing about all of their personal problems and enjoying a few minutes of rest as she waited for them to finish crying in the IHOP bathroom.

FRIDAY: Hooked on a ceiling.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was determined to give up her candy habit, so it did not help when her husband came into a glut of well-priced pinatas.

THURSDAY: You win some, you snooze some.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman could have taken first place at the local bake off, but instead took eleven Ambien just to see if she could.

WEDNESDAY: So close, and yet so charred.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa an eager man brought out the charcoal grill for the very first time this summer, and everyone had a lovely evening locking the grill back up and dabbing ointment on his vicious face burns.

TUESDAY: Lend me your rear.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a parent broke her own rule and actually spanked her child, and while she didn't want to do it again she definitely understood what all the hype was about.

MONDAY: Ups and nouns.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a teacher was glad to finally be away from the school for a while, but correcting people's grammar at the grocery store just didn't feel the same.

SUNDAY: Playing the gods.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man insisted that everyone in the family adopt a different religion, and hopefully the real one would bear out by the end of the week so they could all cash in.

SATURDAY: False tart.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a little girl made dessert for the whole family, and even though it was crafted out of cardboard and magic marker, she wasn't leaving the table until everyone cleaned their plates.

FRIDAY: A nap in the face.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a young girl refused to rest while her mother cooked dinner, just in case she tried to throw any gross shit in there.

THURSDAY: Cramp site.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy went out to the middle of the forest, deciding that it was the perfect place to be alone, lay low and figure out what the crippling pains in his abdomen were.

WEDNESDAY: Not a dry guy in the house.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man pulled the office fire alarm, triggering the sprinkler system and ruining thirty computers that he would no longer have to fix. 

TUESDAY: Facing the fats.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman tried to decide which butter or butter substitute was healthiest for her family, and eventually got very upset that she had no idea any more.

MONDAY: The depths of this pear.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man painted another still life for his art class and everyone agreed that it was very two-dimensional.

SUNDAY: Sunday crunch.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a group of friends got together to share a meal, and really wished they could each have their own instead.

SATURDAY: Waking point.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a boy awoke to the sound of screaming and once again asked his parents to buy him a new alarm clock.

FRIDAY: Burning up the road.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man could not tell whether the road was really bumpy or if he had a flat tire, but either way he was pretty certain that his engine was on fire.

THURSDAY: Tying the not.

Today in a Dubuque, Iowa a young man proposed to the girl of his dreams, and even though she said yes, by the end of recess it was clear that she was giving it up to every first grader on the playground.

WEDNESDAY: Waisting time.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man started the first day of his brand new diet with an egg-white omelet, wheat toast and juice, which was a slight change from his usual egg-yolk omelet, French toast sticks and Jim Beam.

TUESDAY: The phony express.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman didn't mean to spread a rumor about her coworker, but the ease of Instant Messenger basically left her with no other option.

MONDAY: Happy Memorial Day.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a family was excited to take a nice, long drive, and they were significantly less excited for a short drive, a quick accident and a long day of waiting on the side of the highway.

SUNDAY: Strawberry short temper.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a few kids were pretty sure that de-seeding strawberries was impossible, but they knew better than to disagree with post-margarita mom.

SATURDAY: Burning desire.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was relieved to make it to the bank before it closed, because without a stack of deposit slips he had no idea what he was going to use for barbecue kindling.

FRIDAY: Crispy small fries.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa no one on the baseball team wanted to put on sunscreen in front of the other guys, but they had no qualms about ruining their parents nights' by whining about their face burns.

THURSDAY: Cream a little cream for me.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman attempted to make homemade whipped cream, but ended up making an absolute fool of herself in front of her family, the neighborhood children, the mayor, a small news crew and the International Council of Advocates for Homemade Whipped Cream.

WEDNESDAY: Gut awful.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman had no regrets about competing in a hot pepper eating contest at lunch, but the endless stream of whiskey shots she got goaded into doing in the bathroom were another story.

TUESDAY: The winded road.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man went for a light jog, which made his breath heavy and his puking immediate.

MONDAY: Jumping the pun.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man thought of a particularly hilarious lunch joke during breakfast, but when he tried to tell it at work, everyone could tell that it had gone stale.

SUNDAY: Crafty services.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman was so impressed with how efficient the caterers set up and broke everything down, she didn't even notice that they didn't actually bring any food.

SATURDAY: Off to the stasis.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man was all set for a day in the car, driving out on the open road, rolling the top down and enjoying the wind in his hair, just as soon as he could figure out how to get the door open and hot-wire the sucker.

FRIDAY: Extra dip.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man found a stash of tortilla chips under the stairs and as mad as he was that one of his children was hiding food, he was a lot angrier that he never knew they had storage space back there.

THURSDAY: Turn the seat around.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a woman returned her young daughter's car seat back to it's rear-facing position, because even with only a few vocabulary words, the girl was getting pretty critical of her mom's ability to keep the car straight.

WEDNESDAY: Waking bad.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa a man got up, took a shower and got dressed, but unfortunately, not in that order.

TUESDAY: If you can't beat them, beat them.

Today in Dubuque, Iowa no one ever looked at the girl who got third place, mainly because she was off in the shadows beating the shit out of the girl who got second.